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Rick Santorum Creates Chocolate Image of Blessed Virgin Mary
Aug 20, 2006, 07:08
PHILADELPHIA - Thousands of Roman Catholics from across the world flocked to the City of Brotherly Love, hoping to receive healing miracles from a 6-inch-tall, dark brown likeness of the Blessed Virgin Mary discovered by a lab technician in a Catholic hospital last week.
"The pilgrimages began not long after Senator Rick Santorum had dropped off a stool sample to be tested for parasites while he was on a campaign swing through town," reported Stephen Murphy, clinical director of Our Lady of the Resurrection Hospital.
"The lab technician screamed and fainted when she retrieved the sample from the vial. Upon examination we immediately noticed definite characteristics of the Blessed Virgin. We also noticed that the senator's stool, literally, didn't stink. It gave off, instead, the rich, unmistakable odor of high-percentage, single-source chocolate."
"I knew I was in the presence of something holy the minute I saw it," said lab technician Valencia Garcia. "It looked just like the Virgin Mary on the prayer card I always carry in my lab coat pocket. I picked the sample up, and I felt emotion just come over me. It was like a sign."
Garcia, who had just found out she was pregnant, said there was no way she could have supported a child on her salary, especially since the state legislature had cut the hospital's funding.
"I prayed to the stool sample to help me," she said. "Soon afterward I began spotting. I took another pregnancy test when I got home from work that day, and it was negative. It's a miracle I was on duty to test Mr. Santorum's sample!"
The "Marian Stool," as it has come to be known, was secured in cold storage, but news of Garcia's miracle quickly found its way into the media. Hordes of devout Catholics, many of them with unplanned pregnancies, began pilgrimages to Philadelphia in hopes of receiving a miracle from the senator's feces, and when Santorum's stool began weeping tears of blood, even the Vatican took notice.
Pope Benedict XVI appointed a council to authenticate the miraculous event scientifically.
"As with all purported manifestations of the Blessed Virgin, rigorous testing must be completed in order for the Vatican to proclaim them authentic," said Vatican spokesman Antonio Renaldi, S.J.
Yesterday an independent team of DNA specialists from the hospital analyzed blood droplets emanating from the Marian Stool as thousands of anxious worshippers held a vigil outside the medical facility.
"Unfortunately, the results were not what the faithful had hoped for," reported Murphy. "The DNA from the blood matched that of the senator, and the unusual shape of the stool, including the flared 'base' that allows it to stand up, was evidently the result of extreme fecal impaction. There was no evidence of a supernatural cause."
Murphy hesitated before continuing.
"Further testing revealed . . um . .. . the presence of semen from an unknown source as well as a recreational substance identified as 'Elbow Grease Quickie-Lube.' I hesitate to draw any definitive conclusions from these findings at this time."
Senator Santorum's public relations office could not be reached for comment. The senator, notorious for his vehement opposition to gay rights, abortion, and the teaching of evolution in public schools, faces a difficult re-election battle this November.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
