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Skype Outage Only the Beginning Warns an Angry God
Aug 22, 2007, 10:59
LUXEMBOURG - God has claimed full responsibility for the mysterious Skype outage that left an estimated five to six million of his subjects unable to make phone calls or to send instant messages via the popular Internet-based service last week.
In an instant message sent to every Skype subscriber yesterday, god declared not only that he had caused the outage but also that it was just the beginning of the divine wrath that will be visited upon the world.
"We'll see who's not great," said god, who ended his message with a defiant signature—an animated-gif image of a lightning bolt piercing a caricature of noted atheist and author Christopher Hitchens.
Because god is known to work in mysterious ways, his instant message did not divulge the exact reason for his devastating attack on Skype, which one company executive likened to the plague of locusts visited upon Egypt; but an American bishop who spoke on condition of anonymity said that god has been fuming for some time over "the current atheism fad" in the English-speaking world.
"God will not be mocked," said the bishop, who currently resides somewhere in the Vatican. "I wouldn't be surprised if he orchestrated other proactive events to refute the false prophets who deny his existence."
Prior to god's claim, Skype executives offered more excuses for the outage than Greg Landis had offered for his positive drug test in last year's Tour de France.
"A hacker at Vonage has to be responsible," hinted one Skype official early on.
"If not, then it must have been Microsoft's Super Tuesday barrage of security patches, which caused all of our users' computers to reboot and their toilets to flush at once."
"Wait," said another Skype executive, "our latest research indicates that the worldwide observation of the thirtieth anniversary of Elvis Presley's death was responsible."
Finally, upon hearing that god had claimed responsibility for Skype's troubles, one executive attempted to put a positive spin on the news.
"Imagine that," he said. "Even god subscribes to Skype."
In related news, Christopher Hitchens said through his publicist that if god did exist, which he does not, and if he had used an indiscriminate display of his power in a fit of pique, "that would be just one more example of the way in which religion poisons everything—if I may borrow a phrase from my own eloquence."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
