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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Brad Pitt Jennifer Aniston Divorce Stuns World Leaders Aug 23, 2005 - 8:03
LOS ANGELES - As soon as heads of state learned that a California judge had signed off on Jennifer Aniston's request for a divorce from Brad Pitt, messages of condolence from around the world began pouring into the offices of the once golden couple.
"You have demonstrated a rare civility in this trying time," wrote England's prime minister Tony Blair. "Never has so much been written by so many with so few facts to go on, yet throughout your darkest hour your courage on the beaches, your perseverance on the balconies have set an example for other couples whose marriages are under attack from hostile forces."
Although Blair was careful to send identical messages and boxes of English toffee to publicists for both parties to the divorce, Britain's Prince Charles elected to write only to Pitt.
"Buck up, old chap," wrote Charles. "Soon those dreadful peasants in the press will be sniffing someone else's arse. In the meantime, I'd suggest you be careful what you say over the telephone. One other thing, if you ever fancy a bit of swapping . . .."
French president Jacques Chirac announced that all flags in France will be flown at half mast on October 2, when Aniston's divorce from Pitt becomes final, "as a tribute to the contributions you have made to the language and the annals of love.
"Until then," Chirac continued, "I hope you will put aside your differences and join with me in celebrating the role I played in obtaining the release of Mohamed Ouathi, the French television journalist who had been kidnapped in Gaza more than a week ago."
North Korea's National Assembly speaker Kim One-ki directed the chief of North Korea's Ministry of Marital Arts, Kim Ki-nam, to "convey the condolences" of North Korean leader Kim Jung-il to Aniston and Pitt.
"Sorry your marriages have blown up," said Kim through Kim and Kim. "Next time suggest you get married in North Korea, where a $1-million wedding is guaranteed to last a lifetime, not four years—or else." Kim was referring, of course, to Pitt and Aniston's lavish, celebrity-studded wedding in Malibu on July 29, 2000.
Closer to home, peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who was hit with divorce papers herself recently, praised Aniston and Pitt for "developing an exit strategy and sticking to it." Comparing the death of her son Casey in Iraq to the death of Bradjen, the once golden couple's nickname, Sheehan advised Aniston and Pitt to become involved in "something bigger than yourselves" in order to help other couples avoid "the tragic loss you have suffered."
In other news, Courtney Love has vigorously denied starting rumors that she knows the whereabouts of Olivia Newton-John's longtime boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, who has been missing since he failed to return from an overnight fishing trip on June 30.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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