Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Brad Pitt Jennifer Aniston Divorce Stuns World Leaders
Aug 23, 2005, 08:03
LOS ANGELES - As soon as heads of state learned that a California judge had signed off on Jennifer Aniston's request for a divorce from Brad Pitt, messages of condolence from around the world began pouring into the offices of the once golden couple.
"You have demonstrated a rare civility in this trying time," wrote England's prime minister Tony Blair. "Never has so much been written by so many with so few facts to go on, yet throughout your darkest hour your courage on the beaches, your perseverance on the balconies have set an example for other couples whose marriages are under attack from hostile forces."
Although Blair was careful to send identical messages and boxes of English toffee to publicists for both parties to the divorce, Britain's Prince Charles elected to write only to Pitt.
"Buck up, old chap," wrote Charles. "Soon those dreadful peasants in the press will be sniffing someone else's arse. In the meantime, I'd suggest you be careful what you say over the telephone. One other thing, if you ever fancy a bit of swapping . . .."
French president Jacques Chirac announced that all flags in France will be flown at half mast on October 2, when Aniston's divorce from Pitt becomes final, "as a tribute to the contributions you have made to the language and the annals of love.
"Until then," Chirac continued, "I hope you will put aside your differences and join with me in celebrating the role I played in obtaining the release of Mohamed Ouathi, the French television journalist who had been kidnapped in Gaza more than a week ago."
North Korea's National Assembly speaker Kim One-ki directed the chief of North Korea's Ministry of Marital Arts, Kim Ki-nam, to "convey the condolences" of North Korean leader Kim Jung-il to Aniston and Pitt.
"Sorry your marriages have blown up," said Kim through Kim and Kim. "Next time suggest you get married in North Korea, where a $1-million wedding is guaranteed to last a lifetime, not four years—or else." Kim was referring, of course, to Pitt and Aniston's lavish, celebrity-studded wedding in Malibu on July 29, 2000.
Closer to home, peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who was hit with divorce papers herself recently, praised Aniston and Pitt for "developing an exit strategy and sticking to it." Comparing the death of her son Casey in Iraq to the death of Bradjen, the once golden couple's nickname, Sheehan advised Aniston and Pitt to become involved in "something bigger than yourselves" in order to help other couples avoid "the tragic loss you have suffered."
In other news, Courtney Love has vigorously denied starting rumors that she knows the whereabouts of Olivia Newton-John's longtime boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, who has been missing since he failed to return from an overnight fishing trip on June 30.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.