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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Brad Pitt Jennifer Aniston Divorce Stuns World Leaders Aug 23, 2005 - 8:03
LOS ANGELES - As soon as heads of state learned that a California judge had signed off on Jennifer Aniston's request for a divorce from Brad Pitt, messages of condolence from around the world began pouring into the offices of the once golden couple.
"You have demonstrated a rare civility in this trying time," wrote England's prime minister Tony Blair. "Never has so much been written by so many with so few facts to go on, yet throughout your darkest hour your courage on the beaches, your perseverance on the balconies have set an example for other couples whose marriages are under attack from hostile forces."
Although Blair was careful to send identical messages and boxes of English toffee to publicists for both parties to the divorce, Britain's Prince Charles elected to write only to Pitt.
"Buck up, old chap," wrote Charles. "Soon those dreadful peasants in the press will be sniffing someone else's arse. In the meantime, I'd suggest you be careful what you say over the telephone. One other thing, if you ever fancy a bit of swapping . . .."
French president Jacques Chirac announced that all flags in France will be flown at half mast on October 2, when Aniston's divorce from Pitt becomes final, "as a tribute to the contributions you have made to the language and the annals of love.
"Until then," Chirac continued, "I hope you will put aside your differences and join with me in celebrating the role I played in obtaining the release of Mohamed Ouathi, the French television journalist who had been kidnapped in Gaza more than a week ago."
North Korea's National Assembly speaker Kim One-ki directed the chief of North Korea's Ministry of Marital Arts, Kim Ki-nam, to "convey the condolences" of North Korean leader Kim Jung-il to Aniston and Pitt.
"Sorry your marriages have blown up," said Kim through Kim and Kim. "Next time suggest you get married in North Korea, where a $1-million wedding is guaranteed to last a lifetime, not four years—or else." Kim was referring, of course, to Pitt and Aniston's lavish, celebrity-studded wedding in Malibu on July 29, 2000.
Closer to home, peace activist Cindy Sheehan, who was hit with divorce papers herself recently, praised Aniston and Pitt for "developing an exit strategy and sticking to it." Comparing the death of her son Casey in Iraq to the death of Bradjen, the once golden couple's nickname, Sheehan advised Aniston and Pitt to become involved in "something bigger than yourselves" in order to help other couples avoid "the tragic loss you have suffered."
In other news, Courtney Love has vigorously denied starting rumors that she knows the whereabouts of Olivia Newton-John's longtime boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, who has been missing since he failed to return from an overnight fishing trip on June 30.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).