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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Angelina Jolie Has Madonna with Child Syndrome
Aug 25, 2005 - 8:18
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HOLLYWOOD - Angelina Jolie's habit of never leaving home without at least one child in her arms or strapped to her person has finally attracted the attention of the mental health community. Writing in the current issue of TV Guide, Dr. Phil McGraw observed that Jolie is clearly suffering from a chronic case of Madonna with Child Syndrome (MCS).

"The poor woman has not appeared in public without a baby on board in a long time," wrote Dr. Phil. "Obviously there is some deep-seated psychological need driving her behavior. I find it highly significant that as soon as Ms. Jolie finally let her adopted son, Maddox, walk on his own at the advanced age of four years, she went and adopted an infant girl."

According to the Dictionary of Psychological Aberrations (Rolling Stone Press, 666 pps, $99.95), MCS is defined as "the need to have a young, dependent child in one's arms to act as a buffer against the real world."

MCS was first identified in the early fourteenth century, shortly after the appearance of Duccio di Buoninsegna's painting of the same name. As the painting became more famous, wealthy women not only began appearing in court with babies in their arms but also insisted on posing for similar portraits. The appearance of madonnae with children in paintings by Bellini (c.1450), Raphael (c.1503), Gentileschi (c.1609), and others attests to the prevalence of MCS.

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Dr. Phil's diagnosis was corroborated by George Clooney, one of Brad Pitt's homies.

"Brad has a real interest in Angelina, and there appears to be a genuine chemistry between them," said Clooney recently, "but he's not keen on sleeping with Angelina and her two kids in the same bed. He finds that a little strange, even by Hollywood standards. Besides, he'd like to have kids of his own someday, but in that crowd . . .."

Pitt isn't the only one affected by Jolie's MCS. Movie studios are increasingly cautious about hiring Jolie, despite her proven box office appeal, because they fear her MCS will make her an object of ridicule, as Tom Cruise's addiction to Scientology made him a public jackass.

The studios' fears may be well founded. On the latest episode of Real Time, comedian Bill Mahr referred to Jolie's children as "tattoo shields" and "substitutes for the vial of blood she used to wear on a chain around her neck."

Meanwhile, televangelist Pat Robertson called Jolie "the dupe of Third World baby factories." Robertson said he had never heard of MCS, but it was obvious that Jolie's behavior is an example of "White Woman Syndrome."

The Dictionary of Psychological Aberrations calls MCS "exceedingly difficult to treat." Among the standard treatments are mood elevators followed by a high colonic; anti-depressants followed by vodka martinis; and behavior displacement, i.e., carrying a ginormous hemp shoulder bag with a Chihuahua inside.

In other news, Courtney Love denied she is carrying the baby of Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, who went missing on or shortly after a June 30 fishing trip off the coast of California.


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The Gift of GAB
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