You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Keanu Reeves Can't Believe Diane Keaton Is 59
Aug 26, 2005, 09:33
LOS ANGELES - Keanu Reeves is privately telling friends he was stunned when he discovered that Diane Keaton, with whom he has been linked romantically, "is like way older" than he is.
"When I read in US Weekly the other day that she was fifty-nine," Reeves told one acquaintance, "I was like, 'whoa, dude, no way she's old enough to be my mother.' Being with somebody that old is like committing incest, only you're not related."
Reeves and Keaton met three years ago on the set of Something's Gotta Give in which they appeared with Jack Nicholson and Amanda Peet. Reeves, 40, admits he was attracted to Keaton during their romantic encounters onscreen. He concluded, however, that she was too old for him because she played a fifty-something writer in the film who dumps Reeves for Nicholson. He didn't pursue his interest in Keaton until Nicholson had told him she was in her early thirties.
"I was just messing with his head," said Nicholson. "I didn't think the doofus would believe me. I mean, the broad doesn't look bad for her age, but she was spending five hours in make up every morning, and that wasn't her keister in the nude scene."
Reeves and Keaton enjoyed a brief but intense relationship while doing publicity for Something's Gotta Give. The affair attracted little attention because most gossip columnists thought Reeves was simply still in character. The Matrix star is notorious for remaining in character long after shooting on a film has wrapped.
"I could close the gap between her age and mine if I tell people I'm really fifty-two."
Although Reeves' affair with Keaton turned out to be genuine, he left her for twenty-eight-year-old Texas starlet Lynn Collins eventually.
"I just couldn't sit through Harold and Maude one more time," Reeves told People magazine. "Diane has really old tastes for a woman her age."
After Reeves' relationship with Collins had run its course—"He was too old for me," said Collins—Reeves turned to Keaton for comfort. Just as their friendship was becoming serious again, he discovered how old she is. That discovery has Reeves scratching his head more than usual these days, "trying to figure out like how old she'll be when I'm fifty, and stuff like that."
During a phone interview with a Los Angeles Times reporter, Reeves said he wouldn't make any decision until he had a chance to ask Keaton how old fifty-nine was "in people years." Before the reporter could respond, Reeves excused himself.
"Gotta run," he said, "Ashton Kutcher's on the other line, something about a double date."
In other news, the Pentagon has added Camp Casey in Crawford, Texas, to the list of military bases scheduled for closure.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
