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Nicole Richie Grip on Reality Wearing Thin
Aug 28, 2006, 06:39
A big fat fluke?
HOLLYWOOD - With Nicole Richie's weight plunging lower than her necklines, every stargazer and enquiring mind wants to know what's going on with Nicole's never-ending weight loss story? The celebreality star, now reportedly down to 82 pounds, seems to be less concerned with promoting her show, The Simple Life, and more obsessed with avoiding complex carbs.
But, say insiders, don't make with the Karen Carpenter comparisons so quickly. Nicole's fasting is a big fat fluke. That wasting waist is all from her misguided belief that she is a cast member of fellow reality opus, Celebrity Fit Club.
What's with the mixed signals? Those in the reality TV trenches say that Ms. Richie is suffering from a powerful virus dubbed Vanity Hysteria (simplex one). This so-called VH1 has left her bewitched, bothered, and befuddled as to her actual project du jour. And it's not just Nicole, say insiders. Like Ms. Carpenter would have said, "We've Only Just Begun." This is the most unfortunate epidemic to race through the lo-cal So-Cal swells since Ugg boots.
A close source to the ailing Ritchie told us, "It's totally scary-crazy-uncool, you know. No matter how many times we tell her, 'Dude, there's no cameras, you're not on any fat camp show,' she still thinks she's got a Celebrity Fit Club weigh-in coming up."
Another source told us how Nicole's biceps may be firming, but her mind is turning to Jell-O.
"She's started, like, drooling; and if she does talk, it's only to mutter crazy stuff about how she's gotta make her target weight loss or Carnie Wilson will cut her. It's creepy."
V is for VH1 virus.
Sources from the set of The Simple Life even blame this prime-time psychotic break as the root of the Paris-Nicole split.
"Nicole kept referring to Paris' mom, Kathy Hilton, as Wendy the Snapple Lady. Nicole and Paris haven't been friends since."
And even Paris herself is not immune, friends say, pointing to her recent foray into singing as "a complete mistake." Apparently she recorded her entire CD while thinking she was an American Idol contestant at the Cleveland open auditions.
What's causing this concussion of channel confusion? Celbratty Chatter spoke with Beverly Hills physiatrist Troy McClanahan for some answers.
"These poor celebreality stars, it's proving to be too much them," he said. "To be honest, they weren't too great at recognizing reality before. Now with all these competing shows, who wouldn't get confused with the specifics—like whether they should be dancing with The Apprentice, singing on ice, or trying to make sense of Janice Dickenson."
Dr. McClanahan admits to treating multiple unscripted stars, but confided that the road to reality re-assignment is no Amazing Race.
"They hardly have any time left for their fragrance launches," Dr. McClanahan lamented, "let alone their vanity book projects and Proactiv infomercials. In the end, though, treatment is worth it. I mean, what a waste for the country if these talents can't focus on eating their buckets of maggots because they think they should be singing a duet with Lucy Lawless."
As the alleged lineup of victims keeps growing, don't look for this switched-stations storm to subside anytime soon.
Apparently former Trump toughie Omarosa, thinking she is an apprentice on the Bravo show Work Out, has been on the lookout for testosterone shots throughout the valley. And newly unwed Nick Lachey, believing he is part of My Fair Brady, has been attempting to woo Ann B. Davis to the point of a restraining order.
According to one unnamed Dr. 90210, the next threat is to the general population.
"Look around at the Roosevelt Hotel on any Thursday night and try to tell those hipsters they're not taping an episode of The Hills. They'd riot quicker than those Flavor of Love girls. If we don't start looking for a cure, soon we'll all be taping a very special episode of the Surreal Life.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
