You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Vatican Airlines Flying the Holy Skies
Aug 28, 2007, 09:32
"I'm Sister Stephen Louise, fly me."
ROME - Vatican Airlines, the world's first airline for Catholic pilgrims, celebrated its inaugural flight yesterday when 140 of the faithful ascended from Fiumicino airport on a chartered flight to Lourdes.
The plane carrying these pilgrims, like all Vatican Airlines planes, had been leased from a cargo carrier owned by the Italian post office.
For the papal airline's inaugural flight the plane's exterior was painted white and yellow, the papal colors. The ceiling of the plane was painted like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the headrests were decorated with one of two hand-embroidered inscriptions: "God is my co-pilot" in first class or "I search for your face, Lord" in coach. Furthermore, all passengers were provided with hand-held, computerized bingo games.
Smartly dressed nun attendants, sporting wimples designed by Gattinoni, the Italian fashion house, welcomed the pilgrims, one of whom exclaimed, "I bet this will be the first trip in more than a year where I don't get stuck with the kosher meal."
First class passengers on Vatican Airlines not only will have their sins forgiven but also will receive absolution for any sins they commit in flight. Furthermore, they will receive a papal blessing and, if necessary, a marriage annulment on the return flight. Passengers flying coach will receive a shot of wine and a Nilla wafer.
Religious messages will be broadcast from the cockpit throughout all Vatican Airlines flights. Those messages include, "Look at the beautiful mountains the Lord has made"; "You are all protected on this flight by the grace of God"; "Jesus H. Christ the landing gear is stuck!"; "Holy mother of Christ we're all going to die"; and "Goddamn, we landed safely."
Future Vatican Airlines destinations include Fatima in Portugal, Santiago de Compostela in Spain, Mount Sinai, the Holy Land and, eventually, Guadalupe in Mexico and Las Vegas in the United States.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
