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Michael Jackson Candy Bar Fails to Attract
Aug 29, 2005, 09:32
NEW YORK - Michael Jackson's birthday celebration in Dubai was dampened by the anouncement that Godiva Chocolatier is close to halting distribution of Candy, Little Boy?, the commemorative candy bar introduced when Jackson's trial began earlier this year.
The white chocolate confection boasts a creamy nougat center encased in a hard shell wreathed by strands of blueberry-tinted chocolate. Available in teen and preteen sizes, Candy, Little Boy? is packaged in a miniature, white satin sheet embossed with the words "Luv U, Michael" in 14-karat gold filigree.
Godiva does not publish total sales figures, but a member of the company's public relations office said the performance of Candy, Little Boy? was disappointing.
"Sales have been totally limp," the member said. "We had high hopes for this product, but it never took off. We're all feeling let down."
These dispiriting words stand in contrast to the enthusiasm that accompanied the launch of Candy, Little Boy? At that time Rene LeBoeuf, head of research and development at Godiva, described Candy, Little Boy? as "gentle, almost diffident on the tongue, yet exploding with high notes of impish, dancing flavor." According to LeBoeuf, "Children in our test kitchens were unable to resist the charms of this candy."
Children and, more important, parents shopping the twelve hundred Godiva specialty boutiques and outlets in fine department stores seemed quite able to resist the charms of Candy, Little Boy? Even so Godiva remained hopeful that a guilty verdict would spur interest in Jackson's candy bar.
"Truthfully, we were rooting for a guilty verdict," said LeBoeuf. "When that didn't happen, we knew it was only a matter of time. Not even the two jurors' admission that Michael was guilty as sin could save us then. Unless Michael gets caught [sleeping with] a goat or a sheik's son in Dubai at his birthday party today, this product is history."
Jackson, who is said to be looking for property in Dubai, could not be reached for comment. A representative for the singer told a reporter, "Michael doesn't really approve of children eating candy. He always served organic fruit rollups to his overnight guests."
In other news, a spokesman for rapper Marion "Suge" Knight's right buttock issued a statement denying that the buttock was hit when Knight was shot early Sunday morning. "It was the leg, sucka," said the statement. "Ain't no skin off Suge's butt. It's fly as ever."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
