Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan Teach Dame Judi Dench New Tricks
Aug 29, 2006, 07:13
HOLLYWOOD - Note to Hollywood divas and divettes: those stuffy studio suits are saying it's time to tear out a page from Emily Post, and stop ending up on the Post's Page Six.
With movie boss James G. Robinson's recent tell-all note about Lindsay Lohan's after school activities and Paramount head Sumner Redstone's claim that Tom Cruise should be reclassified an insignificant dwarf star, it's been a high-profile power play in the halls of Hollywood High recently.
Studios that once looked the other way are now naming names and telling all those A-list Goodtime Charlies that their Tom Foolery is no longer so Jim Dandy. Time to make like Johnny B. Goode unless you want to end up just another Joe Schmo.
The latest lambasting lecture goes to another silver screen "It" girl who enjoys being a dame a little too much—literally. It looks like the jig is up for her rowdy highness Dame Judi Dench after some unladylike antics on the set of her latest film, Notes on a Scandal, have put her in hot tea.
Director Richard Eyre penned his own scolding "note on a scandal" to Dame Dench herself, which was confidentially "leaked" to the Celebratty Chatter.
Dearest Dame Judi,
Where to begin with the reason for this letter? How about a quick list of just some of the numerous ways you have found to delay and disrupt this production: mandatory change of lip gloss flavors between takes; scolding craft services because your chai latte had only one Splenda instead of four; making the assistant director prank-call Helen Mirren; insisting your trailer be covered in pink monkey fur; walking off the set because "the new Zac Posen's arrived at Harvey Nicks"; converting the stunt crew to your weird mystic cult, the Quakers; referring to your Oscar as "bangers" and Golden Globe as "mash" and using them on set to strong-arm Cate Blanchette.
I hope you realize that if you want to get ahead in this business, it's time to grow up and stop hiding behind excuses. And, to be frank, what lame excuses!
"I hurt my head falling out of a coconut tree with Keith Richards" is not a valid reason to decamp to St. Barts for two weeks. Even if it were true, that just speaks volumes about the entourage you've taken up with.
Judi, it's important to understand that you are still very impressionable and it's easy to fall in with a bad crowd.
In retrospect, allowing your gal-pal Maggie Smith on set was faulty logic on my part. No doubt you suffered "exhaustion" after all those club-hopping nights that showed up in the Tattler. Another thing you should know about your "friend" Maggie: her insistence on finding out "what makes a best boy grip?" left us with a lawsuit and one less key crew member.
In closing, Judi, I urge you to take a serious look at your behaviour. If you continue to treat cast and crew as your personal ladies-in-waiting, you'll find, as time goes by, it'll be Mrs. Henderson presents food stamps.
Sincerely,
Richard Eyre, or as you so lovingly say, "Bloke what Guy Ritchie could run circles around"
