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Senator Craig: I Am Not Gay, I Just Act Gay in Restrooms
Aug 29, 2007, 08:29
BOISE, Idaho - Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette's Syndrome, "an unfortunate tendency" to act gay in public restrooms.
"I am making this bold and courageous admission today so that other men with my condition—and it is a condition, not a choice—don't have to suffer intimidation and arrest simply because they can't control their feet and hands in public restrooms," said the senator.
Senator Craig was arrested on June 11 after he had made sexual advances at a plainclothes policeman seated in a bathroom stall in the main restroom of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport. According to the policeman's report, Senator Craig stood in front of the policeman's locked stall door, "peering through the crack alongside the door and moving his right hand up and down rapidly while making a Chinese face."
Your stall or mine?
As soon as the bathroom stall to the policeman's left became available, Senator Craig occupied it and began tapping his right foot then pawing at the floor with it.
"I recognized that as sexual predator code for 'I want to ride you hard and put you away wet,'" said the policeman.
Senator Craig then made the three-ring sign with his right hand as he moved it back and forth languorously underneath the policeman's side of the stall divider. This motion, according to the policeman, is code for "I can make your brown eye blue."
I'm hard, are you?
At that the policeman flashed his credentials under the stall divider and indicated that Senator Craig should exit the stall.
After he had been taken to the police station, Senator Craig pleaded guilty to solicitation by hand and foot gestures, but he now claims that he did so only because he "didn't want to be stigmatized as a Gayrette's sufferer.
Do you take American Express?
"I now realize that my confession was a mistake," he said. "Therefore I am stepping forward to proclaim my innocence and to assure my constituents that I am not gay and that I intend to seek the treatment that I should have sought long ago for my condition. I urge all other Gayrette's sufferers to do the same."
In related news, Senator Craig promised that he would continued to oppose gay rights as vigorously as he has in the past "because I more than most people have a first-hand knowledge of the kinds of depravities in which members of the gay community wallow."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
