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Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Pee Wee Herman Vie for John Mark Karr Role
Aug 31, 2006, 08:25
HOLLYWOOD - Flush with an infusion of coin from hedge fund sources, Tom Cruise announced yesterday that he is "over the moon" about the chance to play John Mark Karr, the lube job who thinks he killed JonBenet Ramsey, Natalee Holloway, Chandra Levy, and others.
"A role like this comes along once in a lifetime," said Mr. Cruise in a statement released by Paula Wagner, his partner in Cruise/Wagner Productions.
"I firmly believe the role of John Mark Karr could be my Monster, my Raging Bull, my Beautiful Mind," said Mr. Cruise.
According to a source close to Cruise/Wagner, "Tom plans to write, star in, produce, and direct John Mark Karr's story," whose working title is You're All I Want for Christmas. "This is the kind of edgy, existential part Tom has been wanting to do for some time."
You're All I Want for Christmas is still in the brainstorming stage, but speculation is rife that by movie's end John Mark Karr will be "cured" of his twin obsessions with murder and young women by his conversion to Scientology.
Although Mr. Cruise appears almost desperate to play John Mark Karr, the recently fired Paramount star faces competition from Johnny Depp, who has long been Mr. Karr's choice to play himself.
"We've been getting e-mails and scripts from Mr. Karr for several years, ever since he saw Ed Wood," said Celia Mondeforte, Mr. Depp's representative. "John's been adamant about Johnny playing him. No matter how much money Tom Cruise waves at John, I doubt he would cooperate. He thinks Cruise is too weird to portray him accurately."
"Nonsense," countered Paula Wagner. "Karr's so obsessed with stardom he'd sign with Mel Gibson. Loyalty doesn't mean squat to that guy. As far as he's concerned, it's love the one your with, even if you weren't actually with them."
In related news, a representative for Pee Wee Herman said that his client was more suited than Mr. Cruise or Mr. Depp to play John Mark Karr.
"Has either of those two pretty boys been arrested for masturbating in an XXX theater?" said the rep? "Has either of them got a child pornography collection like Pee Wee's? When Karr gets a look at some of those cuties, he'll sign with us as soon as he dries his hands."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
