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Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-


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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

President Bush Orders Mardi Gras Moved to Astrodome
Sep 2, 2005 - 8:26
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Moving swiftly to stem criticism that his response to the devastation in New Orleans has been "slow, indifferent, and sadly inadequate," President Bush announced last night that by executive order Mardi Gras 2006 will be held in Houston's Astrodome. Bush also announced that naming rights for the event had been purchased by Federal Express for an undisclosed seven-figure sum.

"I got this idea when I was playing my guitar and watching Fox News," said the president. "I seen them looters making off with Cuisinarts and George Foreman grills and I said to Laura, 'Looks like some people are celebrating Mardi Gras early.' Then I thought, 'Shoot, it'll be Mardi Gras before we know it. We can't leave it in the hands of armed thugs.'"

According to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, the relocated FedEx Mardi Gras has the potential to be bigger than the Super Bowl, raising "substantial dollars" for rebuilding New Orleans as well as funding the Republican presidential candidate in 2008. McClellan said "the president's vision" calls for the establishment of Mardi Gras Inc., a government controlled company that would oversee everything from scheduling acts to selling advertising spots.

The FedEx Mardi Gras, scheduled for February 21 through 28 next year, will spotlight family-friendly entertainment and bedrock conservative values, said McClellan. Christian groups called this development "long overdue," pointing out that the "heathen atmosphere permeating the Mardi Gras in the past has been a blot on this country's moral landscape."

Pat Robertson told viewers of the 700 Club, "The flooding of New Orleans is a sign that God is tired of seeing his creation mocked by the Mardi Gras and its perverted display of debauchery and exposed breasts."

Although McClellan said there were "few details" about the FedEx Mardi Gras available at this time, a source close to the White House said performance contracts had been tendered to the Beach Boys, Toby Keith, Journey, Meatloaf, Clint Black, and Yesterday Once More, a Carpenters tribute band.

Ted Kennedy and other prominent Democrats were quick to decry the absence of African American entertainers in the Mardi Gras lineup.

"Where are the 60 Cents, the J. Kellys, and the Eminems?" thundered Kennedy, who also hinted darkly that the White House was blacklisting entertainers that had participated in the Vote for Change tour last fall, an attempt on the part of musicians such as Bruce Springsteen, R.E.M., James Taylor, and the Dixie Chicks to unseat the president.

In other news, Malibu police say they are no closer today than they were yesterday to finding the sniper who shot a paparazzo the night of Britney Spears' baby shower.


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The Gift of GAB
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