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Angelina Jolie Losing Body Mass, Cooling Off Significantly
Sep 2, 2007, 10:57
BOSTON - Angelina Jolie is losing mass and cooling off at a significant rate, observers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) report. Their findings, which appear in the current issue of the journal Science, suggest that Ms. Jolie will cease to be a major star if she continues to shrink and to lose temperature at her present pace.
"There is no doubt that Angeline Jolie has suffered a severe reduction in mass during the last twenty-four months," said Paul LeBlanc, Ph.D., the professor of astrophysics who headed up the study.
"Our remote spectrographic measurements, accurate to a tolerance of .006 MCH, indicate that Ms. Jolie has lost between 9 and 11 percent of her total body mass during that observation period."
More importantly, said Dr. LeBlanc, box office radiation analysis indicates that Ms. Jolie is not as "hot" as she was when the MIT group obtained its baseline recordings during her Mr. & Mrs. Smith phase in 2005.
Indeed, Mr. & Mrs. Smith measured 478 million units on the worldwide box office radiation scale, and ranked tenth in domestic gross radiation measurements that year. A worldwide box office radiation unit (WBORU) is roughly equivalent to one U.S. dollar.
By comparison, The Good Shepherd measured 96.5 million WBORUs and registered fiftieth in the United States in 2006. Astonishingly, A Mighty Heart measured scarcely more than 9 WBORUs this year and ranks 154 among measurements taken during the last 365 days.
Although he "firmly believes" those findings are cause for alarm, Dr. LeBlanc hesitated to identify the reasons for them. Other observers were not so cautious, however.
"Angelina Jolie has reportedly become addicted to diet pills," reported South Asian Women's Forum. "A family friend of Jolie's beau Brad Pitt revealed to Life and Style Weekly that Jolie has been taking pills that contain stimulants to increase metabolism, in an attempt to get more energy."
"Although South Asian Women's Forum is a respected journal in its field," said Dr. LeBlanc, "we at MIT believe additional studies are necessary before we can establish a cause-and-effect relationship that would explain Angelina Jolie's condition."
Dr. LeBlanc did caution that if Ms. Jolie continues to decline at her present rates, those persons who orbit most closely around her may drift away and attach themselves to other, more attractive stars.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
