You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Katherine Heigl Rocks Emmy Red Carpet with Dripping Décolletage
Sep 4, 2006, 06:03
Red-hot red carpet red alert! It might have been nearing triple-digit heat at last week's primetime Emmys, but those va-va-voom vixens in their designer duds provided the real heat.
So who looked entirely Emmylicious? What gets the award for the must-have fashion? The Celebratty Chatter took time out from hobnobbing and table hopping to do some serious trend spotting.
While that red carpet might have been awash in plums and slimming sheaths from luscious Evangeline Lilly to posh Jamie Pressly, one trend glistened above all.
Two words: boob sweat.
Her cups runneth over.
It's Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl who wins our award for her sassy, yet ladylike, take on the staid wet T-shirt look. By choosing to accent her nude Escada gown not with the expected droplets of diamonds around her neck, but with droplets of sweat under each breast, she showed how to channel Grace Kelly and take a page from those spring break coeds, too.
All we can say is—kids, this is sure to be the hottest trend to hit our shores since low rider jeans with visible thongs let everyone in on Victoria's Secret.
How can you keep abreast of this trend and get Ms. Heigl's sultry sweat-soaked style?
Not to worry. Already, this mammary must-have is literally trickling down to the masses. Never one to ignore a potential product blitz, beauty chain Sephora is already stocking its shelves with Best Breast Cleavage Spritz. Packaged in a discreet purse-size vaporizer and available with or without pheromones, it promises to keep those "double D's from damming up."
Too much of a good thing?
Looking for more of a built-in aqua safety net? Upscale lingerie maker La Perla has developed "The Moist Bra."
In addition to its secret patented "hydration system," it also boasts a silver-plated underwire to guarantee all the bust with no rust. More blunt is the new "Damp Vamp" push-up bra from Fredericks of Hollywood. Packed with saline soaked sponges, Fredericks promises it's sure to deliver that "cup runneth over look."
And how popular have those perky perspiration patches made Ms. Heigl in Hollywood. So popular she's getting some serious kudos from her fellow leading ladies.
Nominee Kyra Sedgwick, who famously went without a stylist's help this year for her Emmy look, confided this was something she would need some help with.
"Yo, bitch, your melons are leaking."
"I really felt like showing I could zip my own dress and tie my own shoes was a major step," said the star of TNT's The Closer, surprisingly open. "But then I saw Katherine Heigl and I understood—that's what you pay a stylist for."
Ms. Sedgwick then leaned in and told us, "You know, that was all her, too. No wet double-stick tape, nothing. As an actress that just blew my mind."
Still awestruck, she said, "I can't even cry on cue, let alone secrete."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
