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Paris Hilton Could Help Mother Teresa Attain Sainthood
Apr 9, 2006, 13:51
THE VATICAN - In a move that shocked Hollywood insiders and Catholics around the world, Indian film director T. Rajeevnath, announced recently that Paris Hilton is on his short list to play Mother Teresa in a biopic he's planning about the Nobel Peace Prize-winner, who worked among Calcutta's poor with the Missionaries of Charity.
"Ms. Hilton's features resemble Mother Teresa's," Rajeevnath told Agence France-Presse yesterday. "I've scheduled a meeting with Ms. Hilton for the end of April," said the director, whose films include Janani (Mother), an award-winner in India, about nuns caring for an abandoned infant.
Mother Teresa, who died in 1997, was beatified by Pope John Paul II. She will be canonized once two miracles attributed to her intercession are documented.
Not long after Mr. Rajeevnath had announced that he was considering Ms. Hilton play the role of Mother Teresa, a series of mishaps befell Ms. Hilton. She awoke one day and suddenly began screaming uncontrollably, frightening the household staff. Apparently her beloved Chihuahua, Tinkerbelle XI, had been turned into a cycloptic canine.
"It's just horrible!" said one of the downstairs maids. "That poor little one-eyed dog doesn't know whether to poo or go blind."
Later in the day Ms. Hilton was afflicted with a particularly virulent type of yeast infection.
"Man, that girl stinks!" reported comedian, Margaret Cho, who saw Ms. Hilton in a club. "It reminds me of when my Korean mother used to ferment cabbage to make kim-chee."
Ms. Hilton's gynecologist, who happened to be in the club at the same time with Ms. Hilton's sister, Nicky, said after a brief examination, "Paris' hoo-hoo won't be in commission for at least eighteen months. There's even a chance she may never regain full use of it again. It will all depend on the regimen of physical therapy, medication, and her own ability to keep it out of circulation during the treatment process."
Upon attempting to pay her tab at the club, Ms. Hilton was horrified to learn that all her credit cards were maxed out.
"She just crumbled to the floor and began whimpering," reported the receptionist, Carla Iwanski. "That one-eyed dog is still around here somewhere, too."
Upon learning of Ms. Hilton's afflictions, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he was going to take immediate steps to initiate the process that would elevate Mother Teresa to sainthood.
"These actions are clearly the evidence of miraculous works from our beloved Teresa," said the pope. "They are the miracles for which many people have been praying."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
