Steve Irwin, Brad Pitt, George Bush Get First Asshat Awards
Sep 4, 2007, 07:29
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Steve Irwin, famously known as the crocodile hunter; Brad Pitt, better known as Angelina Jolie’s bitch; and George W. Bush, often known as “numbnuts,” are the winners of the Postcards from the Pug Bus first asshat awards. Ordinarily there will be only one asshat award per customer, but this time we were spoilt for choice.
We begin with Mr. Irwin, on the day, coincidentally, when we celebrate —in every sense of the word—the first anniversary of his death. With his irritating, unhinged mannerisms, his goofy yob face, and his zeal for knocking on animals’ doors without being invited, Mr. Irwin always got on our very last nerve. We were amused no end to learn, therefore, that he discovered a turtle that can breathe out its ass underwater.
How fitting that said turtle, Elseya irwini, was named after a guy who talked out his ass everywhere. From Steve’s ass to god’s ear now, eh, fellow Christians?
Next we come to Brad Pitt, who earned his asshat award by going all soft at the Venice Film Festival while talking about the joys of playing nanny to Angelina Jolie’s kids.
“Being a father is the most fun I have ever had,” said Mr. Pitt.
Excuse us for asking, but how can changing some foundling’s diaper compare to ripping the Victoria’s Secrets off Jennifer Aniston and wearing them like a hockey mask while you roger her up one side of your Malibu mansion and down the other? Has this man’s brain turned to mush from inhaling dangerously high levels of baby methane?
Mr. Pitt went on to say that being a father, “is also the biggest pain in the ass I have ever experienced.”
We wonder if it’s fatherhood that’s causing Mr. Pitt’s hemorrhoids to bleed or could it be, perhaps, the Mandingo strap-on that Angelina wears whenever they have sex?
Last and certainly least, or not, depending on one’s perspective, is George W. Bush, the president who wears many hats—all of them cleft down the middle. Yesterday he wore his Iraq-is-safe-for-democracy hat while paying a stealth visit to Anbar province and skulking around for a few heavily guarded hours.
Last week he visited the scene of another one of his administration’s cock-ups, New Orleans, and said, while barely moving his cheeks, “This city is better than it was yesterday but not as good as it’s going to be tomorrow.”
Pity the same can't be said about Mr. Bush. However, like our other asshat award winners, he is entitled to use the Chocolate A as a middle initial.
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