Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Steve Irwin, Brad Pitt, George Bush Get First Buthead Awards
Sep 4, 2007, 07:29
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Steve Irwin, famously known as the crocodile hunter; Brad Pitt, better known as Angelina Jolie’s nanny; and George W. Bush, often known as “the shrub,” are the winners of the Postcards from the Pug Bus first butthead awards. Ordinarily there will be only one butthead award per customer, but this time we were spoilt for choice.
We begin with Mr. Irwin, on the day, coincidentally, when we celebrate the first anniversary of his death. With his irritating, unhinged mannerisms, his goofy yob face, and his zeal for knocking on animals’ doors without being invited, Mr. Irwin always got on our very last nerve. We were amused no end to learn, therefore, that he discovered a turtle that can breathe out its butt underwater.
How fitting that said turtle, Elseya irwini, was named after a guy who talked out his butt everywhere. From Steve’s butt to god’s ear now, eh, fellow Christians?
Next we come to Brad Pitt, who earned his butthead award by going all soft at the Venice Film Festival while talking about the joys of playing nanny to Angelina Jolie’s kids.
“Being a father is the most fun I have ever had,” said Mr. Pitt.
Excuse us for asking, but how can changing some foundling’s diaper compare to ripping the Victoria’s Secrets off Jennifer Aniston and wearing them like a hockey mask while you chase her around your Malibu mansion? Has this man’s brain turned to mush from inhaling dangerously high levels of baby methane?
Last and certainly least, or not, depending on one’s perspective, is George W. Bush, the president who wears many hats—all of them cleft down the middle. Yesterday he wore his Iraq-is-safe-for-democracy hat while paying a stealth visit to Anbar province and skulking around for a few heavily guarded hours.
Last week he visited the scene of another one of his administration’s cock-ups, New Orleans, and said, while barely moving his cheeks, “This city is better than it was yesterday but not as good as it’s going to be tomorrow.”
Pity the same can't be said about Mr. Bush. However, like our other butthead award winners, he is entitled to use the Chocolate B as a middle initial.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
