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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Nicolas Cage Wicker Man Action Figure Hot at Pier 1
Sep 5, 2006, 05:56
FORT WORTH, Texas - Reps for Nicolas Cage and Warner Bros. have woven a nifty new tie-in for the release of their latest film, a remake of the cult caper, The Wicker Man. Looks like Mr. Cage wants you to see his end-of-summer sizzler so much, he's willing to apply a little pier pressure.
The star of action blockbusters such as Peggy Sue Got Married, The Weatherman, and Captain Corelli's Mandolin is the model for a line of Wicker Man action figures sold exclusively at America's #1 rattan retailer, Pier 1 Imports.
According to a joint press release, "This September it's time to synchronize your sundials because Pier 1 Imports and Warner Bros. have teamed up to turn your favorite crafty cult character into a crafty cool toy. Stop by today and pick up your very own Wicker Man free gift with the purchase of $50 or more. Better hurry, though, this Wicker Man is hot and is only docked at Pier 1 for a limited engagement!"
Sources at Warner Bros. elaborated on the decision to promote Cage as a rattan Rambo.
"We wanted to forgo the usual Happy Meal tchotchke," said one well-known publicist. "Like the movie, Nick's got this otherworldly vibe. Our audience test results showed that ladies love him, kids love him, young guys want to be like him, and old guys want to whittle him. We couldn't go wrong with a wicker Cage."
Another studio source explained, "With the movie we want to say, 'BOO!' With the toy we want to say, 'bamBOO!'"
A rep for Pier 1 Imports, the Texas-based purveyor of global unique chic, stressed that quality craftsmanship will ensure that this doll is no basket case.
"We use an eco-friendly rattan in a double-bias weave around a frame of kiln dried hardwood, all made by skilled artisans in Jakarta. Plus with Thai teak for the articulated joints—you can make it do your very own ritual dance."
The retailer hinted that although Wicker Man is planned as a one-time promotion, a long-term partnership would be no sacrifice.
"We see the Nicolas Cage Wicker Man line as a great fit, perfect for back to school. If this proves popular, we see Wicker Man backpacks, lunchboxes, iPod covers—who knows?"
And what about something for those little pagan princesses bored with Barbie?
"We also have a Wicker Lady that'll have 'em, forgive the pun, Ellen Burstyn into flames."
We spoke with director and "wicker fanatic" Neil LaBute, whom most credit for rallying the rattan direction to Cage. LaBute denies credit but admits his enthusiasm for the natural furniture fiber.
"We had them do the huge Wicker Man for the movie, and I loved it. One of the protos is actually in my backyard It's a great place to clear my head. The inside was a perfect fit for the papasan chair I've had since college."
So did LaBute have any advice for his leading man about becoming a 12-inch woven wonder?
"I just told him to do do that voo-do that he do so well."
Was there any concern from Pier 1 that a fright flick tie-in might not sit well among their relaxed rockers and simple settees? Didn't they worry about scaring off customers?
LaBute looked surprised.
"You do remember the Kirstie Alley commercials, right?"
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
