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Jerry Lewis Apologizes to Illiterates Everywhere
Sep 5, 2007, 07:21
LOS ANGELES - Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday "to illiterates everywhere" for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon.
"I apologize to the fifteen people who were still awake at that point in my telethon, which raised a record $63.7 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association," said Mr. Lewis in a prepared statement.
"I also apologize to all those people who didn't hear my remark but who might hear about it in the future. Everyone who knows me understands that I hold no prejudices toward people who can't read. Some of my best friends can't read. Hell, that faggot Dean Martin couldn't read. Unfortunately, in the family atmosphere of the record-setting telethon, I forget that not everyone has the pleasure of knowing me well."
During the telethon, a sleep-deprived and hyper-caffeinated Mr. Lewis—by his own estimate he was on his nineteenth venti iced latte double espresso with skim milk—was goofing around with his cameraman when he (Mr. Lewis, 81) began to hallucinate. He then started to mumble about the cameraman's imaginary family members.
"Oh, your family has come to see you," said Mr. Lewis, speaking to the camera and gesturing vaguely.
Jerry Lewis loses as much as forty pounds during a typical Labor Day telethon.
"You remember Bart, your older son. Oh, and there's Heather, your crack-whore daughter. Who's that with her, Jesse, the illiterate faggot? What do you call these assholes, the Aristocrats?"
Immediately following the broadcast, Kid Rock, current chair of Fun Without Phonics, an illiteracy anti-defamation group, called Mr. Lewis' remarks, "really dumb" and demanded "an immediate contraction."
Tonight on Larry King Live: The amazing herbal supplement that can double your reading rate, even if you can't read.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
