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Suri Cruise Photos Expected to Fuel Stock Market Rally
Sep 6, 2006, 06:46
NEW YORK - The publication of the first pictures of Suri Cruise should drive many stock prices higher, financial analysts predict. The long-anticipated images, featured in an exclusive twenty-two-page spread in the October issue of Vanity Fair, hit newsstands in New York and Los Angeles today and in other markets next Tuesday.
Some of the photos were also featured on CBS Evening News with Katie Couric last night.
"The release of the photos puts to rest a simmering uncertainty that had kept many investors on the sidelines," said James Michaels, a senior stock trader at Wedbush Morgan Securities in Los Angeles.
"The apparent normalcy of the child means that we're more likely to see a soft rather than a hard landing for the economy."
One of the companies expected to benefit most from the Suri photos is VitroQwik—XXY-N (US$)—a fertility company that specializes in the production of test-tube children whose "fathers" suffer from abnormally low sperm counts.
"We're thrilled that Suri Cruise has two of everything she's supposed to have two of," said VitroQwik's president, Dominic Horton.
"Our stock had been in the shitter following the birth of several quote-unquote defective children to VitroQwik clients, but Tom had faith in us and in our commitment to Scientology, and now we're in a win-win situation."
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Ever think about getting a fake degree certificate to fool your co-workers in the office or at a party or social gathering?
Other market segments expected to ride the Suri wave include robotics, artificial intelligence, and computer chips, but the rising tide will not life all boats.
Viacom, which recently severed ties with Mr. Cruise' production company, may be in for some rough times, as will pharmaceutical companies and charities.
"That's the only downside here," observed Poole Williams, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis.
"Had the Cruises elected to give away the $6.66 million they got from Vanity Fair for one-time rights to the photos, we might have seen an upsurge in charity stocks. Unfortunately, the Cruises kept the money because Tom is currently out of work."
In other news, in what may be the first reaction to the shocking and sudden weight loss produced by the Photoshop diet, Nicole Richie has recently appeared in pictures looking twenty pounds heavier.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Strike a blow for freedom.
