Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Brad Pitt, Paris Hilton, Michelle Wie Offer Lame Excuses
Sep 10, 2006, 08:09
Everybody's lying but nobody's paying attention.
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Brad Pitt can't persuade Angelina Jolie to marry him. Paris Hilton is loaded in public again. Michelle Wie adds to her losing streak. What do they do? They make lame excuses. Why not? In the looking- glass world, excuses are the new reality, a reality that's subject to change without warning.
Reality: Brad Pitt is afraid he will lose face if Jennifer Aniston gets married again before he does, so he badgers Angelina Jolie to marry him. He adopts her kids; he gets a tattoo; he proposes via text messages and e-mails. She jeers and tells him the baby's diaper needs changing.
Excuse: "As long as gay couples cannot get married legally in this country, we're not getting married either." That's what Mr. Pitt told Esquire magazine recently, adding that Ms. Jolie would like to get married, but "she respects my feelings on this issue."
Paris Hilton walks the line with a little help from a friend.
Reality: Paris Hilton is observed driving erratically, falls on her face during a field sobriety test, and is arrested at 12:30 a.m.
Excuse: "It was nothing," Ms. Hilton used some of her anytime minutes to tell Ryan Seacrest's radio-show audience later that day. "I'd been shooting my music video for my new song, 'Nothing in this World'—that's Nothing in This World. I got off last night at about 10 p.m. I had dinner with my sister and all my girlfriends, then we went to this charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors.
"I had one margarita. I was starving 'cause I had not ate all day. I was on my way to In-n-Out which is probably three blocks away because I was just really hungry and I wanted an In-N-Out burger!"
Editor's note: Let's see, she had dinner shortly after ten, went dancing at a charity event "for brain tumors," downloaded a margarita, then was suddenly craving an In-N-Out burger because she "had not ate all day." If you can't remember you just had dinner two hours ago, that's drunk.
"I see England, I see France, I can see my underpants."
Reality: Michelle Wie is dead last in a field of 152 after two rounds at the European Masters. Her fifteen-over-par score of 157 misses the cut for the tournament by fourteen strokes.
Excuse: "My school like totally piled on the homework last week, and I had to bring much of it with me to Switzerland, so I wasn't able to practice like I usually do because I was working on this geography report."
In other news, Nike is worried that Maria Sharapova's grand slam victory in the U.S. Open will tarnish her image as a pretty face. "The last thing in the world we need is for people to perceive Maria as some dominant, tennis-playing dyke," said one Nike official.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
