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Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Steve Irwin Replaced by Ted Nugent on AnimalPlanet Series
Sep 11, 2006 - 8:32
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The face of a drug-free America.
SILVER SPRING, Md. - Discovery Communications, which owns and operates the Animal Planet network, announced yesterday that it had signed Ted Nugent to replace network personality Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, who died when he was attacked by a sting ray on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state last week.

According to Discovery's CEO, Rolf Bindenhammer, Mr. Nugent was the obvious choice to replace the forty-four-year-old Irwin.

"Ted's certainly a larger-than-life personality," said Mr. Bindenhammer in a prepared statement, "and like Steve, he's a dedicated conservationist."

Mr. Bindenhammer said also that he expected Mr. Nugent, who is known as the Motor City Madman, to bring a "refreshing new edge" to the Crocodile Hunter's Animal Planet series.

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Yes, Virginia, I bagged Santa Claus."
"We have always been sensitive to the fact that Crocodile Hunter was something of a misnomer," said Mr. Bindenhammer. "Steve didn't exactly hunt crocs, what he did was bother them. Ted, on the other hand, has assured us that 'any damn critter' he hunts will wind up on the grill by the end of the program."

Mr. Nugent, 58, could not be reached for comment.

"Ted's busy hunting wetbacks down near Nogales," said a gentleman named Snake, who answered the phone at Mr. Nugent's Texas ranch.

"I know he's excited about the chance to show kids what a real hunter looks like. Ted doesn't have much time for them pretty boys in pressed khaki's. What the hell kind of role model is that for hunters?"

The outspoken Mr. Nugent apparently doesn't have time either for people who worry about the animals he hunts. Earlier this month at the last stop on his "Unleash the Beast" tour, he went off on a reporter who asked him what goes through an animal's mind when it sees a hunter.

"Animals ain't capable of thinking, you asshole," screamed Mr. Nugent. "All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to fuck next? Can I run fast enough to get away?' They're just like the French in that regard."

Next Oprah: Hunters' wives discuss sleeping-bag sex.

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