You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal
Sep 12, 2007, 11:57
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says.
"George Bush can send all the little tin soldiers he wants to Capitol Hill," said Senator Clinton, "but he can't camouflage the fact that we're no safer from Britney Spears now than we were five years ago."
In carefully scripted remarks, General Petraeus told Congress it was "still possible to achieve a positive outcome with Britney Spears, but doing so will be neither quick nor easy."
According to Senator Clinton, a positive outcome is no longer possible.
"The little general knows it; I know it; hell, Britney's retarded kids probably know it. Republicans should stop trying to scare voters by holding the threat of 'crippling internal strife' over their heads. Britney Spears is already crippled from internal strife, and we simply have to stop wasting time and attention on her."
The latest People magazine poll suggests that 60 percent of Americans now favor a timetable for removing support from Ms. Spears; 35 percent want to keep supporting her at least until her lip-synching and dancing improve; and 5 percent think she ought to get back with Kevin.
General Petraeus admitted that "measurable progress" in Britney Spears' career has been spotty during the last five years, and she is still vulnerable to "bomb attacks."
In the attack to which the general referred—the MTV Video Music Awards, Ms. Spears danced like a creature with unapposable thumbs, and lip-synched like a Ambien-drunk zombie on karaoke night in a biker bar.
In other entertainment news, rap artist 50 Cent claims that Kanye West's new CD "might be outselling mines in the stores, but mines is being downloaded illegally three times as much as his lame-dick CD. I always knew I had more street cred than that Oreo."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
