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Osama Bin Laden Bombs in CNN 911 Awards Opener
Sep 14, 2007, 10:01
ATLANTA - It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden's career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN's 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday.
Dressed in a white hat, white shirt, yellow robe, and bad beard weave, the fifty-year-old Special Ops magnet shambled through a faltering performance of his new video "All I Am Saying is Give Socialism a Chance." He forgot the speech he was half-heartedly lip-synching; he stared glassily into space; and he didn't even bother to close with his signature "death to America."
The former terrorist gadfly, who has been vastly outclassed by recent videos from Ayman al-Zawahri, his second in command, was reportedly out until sunrise with a canteen full of tea and an amorous camel in the run up to the awards. Not surprisingly bin Laden looked more the tragic single father of fifty-six, desperate to impress with a premature incoherent video, than he resembled the cave-dwelling genius who masterminded the 2001 attacks.
"Instead of watching a scary, chilling performance, I saw a tentative confused-looking guy who could barely muster the energy to mouth along with the taped words, let alone work that yellow robe," said one U.S. security expert.
"What you did was disrespectful to your remaining fans, and it was disrespectful to al-Qaeda!" growled gossip blogger Perez Hilton.
"You didn't even try! Your performance was beyond pathetic. The old Osama bin Laden, who was at one point (a long time ago) truly terrifying, would be embarrassed by your lack of professionalism."
The audience shifted uncomfortably throughout the much-hyped performance, which marked the terrorist's first public appearance in three years. Al-Zawahri had a confused look while bin Laden's new best friend, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, was expressionless.
Bin Laden, who has killed tens of thousands of people worldwide, has been better known of late for hiding in caves and waging a custody battle over two baby goats with ex-cave mate Sulaiman Abu Ghaith. Like the comeback, this stab at relevancy has failed terribly.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
