You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
LAS VEGAS - O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes "the law of double jeopardy" permits him to re-acquire "shit that is rightfully mines.
"I know the law," O.J. declared after he had been questioned by police Thursday night following an incident at The Palace Station, an aging, down-at-the-heels casino just west of the Las Vegas Strip.
"The principle of double jeopardy is at work here," O.J. continued. "That means if something has been stolen from you, it's all right if you steal it back as long as you don't bust nobody up while you're getting your shit."
O.J. had been "just chilling" in Las Vegas prior to a friend's wedding when he contacted auction house owner Tom Riccio, who had told O.J. there were some collectors in town hoping to sell a bunch of his memorabilia on the down low.
Mr. Riccio offered to set up a meet with the collectors under the guise of knowing a private collector interested in buying O.J. items.
O.J. meanwhile does what any law-abiding citizen would do: he rounds up half a dozen guys at a wedding cocktail party and heads on up to have a word with the collectors in their room.
"We walked into the room," said O.J. "I'm the last one to go in, and when they see me, it's all 'Oh God.'"
Perhaps it was the watch cap O.J. was wearing; maybe it was his leather gloves; or maybe it was the guns his new friends were flashing; but for some reason the collectors chose to describe the visit to police as an armed robbery.
For their part, Las Vegas police are investigating the incident as an armed robbery. What's more, they've named O.J. as a suspect.
Nevertheless, O.J. insists there were no guns involved. When pressed, he could not say where the reclaimed mementos, which included a photo of O.J. hugging J. Edgar Hoover, had been taken. He did say, however, that "a black man can't get no justice" in the United States.
According to Mr. Riccio, O.J. was supposed to identify the items in question and ask the men to give them back or he would call the police, but there's many a slip between the plan and the hip.
Mr. Riccio told a local newspaper that O.J. showed up with about seven "intimidating looking guys," at least one of whom had a gun.
"I thought we were going to peacefully reacquire these personal items, which O.J. wants to pass down to his kids," Mr. Riccio said, "but O.J. and his friends went ghetto. What can I say?"
Tonight on Larry King Live: Vanessa Hudgens takes your questions.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
