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Britney Spears' Sons Not Bothered by Her Nudity, Drug Use
Sep 18, 2007, 09:09
"Don't bogart that joint, S.P."
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears' sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being—or an impediment to their continued growth and social development.
Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears, 1, said their mother is "free, white, and twenty-one" and if people don't like what she does in her own house, they can "stick it where the sun don't shine."
The boys' declaration of support came shortly after Tony Barretto, who worked as Ms. Spears' bodyguard for two months earlier this year, testified at a custody hearing that Ms. Spears did drugs and went naked in front of her children. Mr. Barretto, 28, also testified that he was fired simply because he didn't hear Ms. Spears when she told him to pick up her hat.
"He's a fat shit loser who smelled really gross and was always stealing our snacks," said Sean Preston and Jayden James. The boys also accused Mr. Barretto of "spying" on their mother when she was "making potty."
In related news, Britney Spears' attorney Laura Wasser was replaced by Mel Goldman of the Los Angeles law firm Freid and Goldman. Mr. Goldman refused to comment about the reason for the change, but a paralegal who works for Ms. Wasser said she was tired of pleading with Ms. Spears to wear clothes around the house.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
