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Willie Nelson Busted for Pot, Secondhand Smoke Violations
Sep 19, 2006, 08:04
LAFAYETTE, La. - Country music legend Willie Nelson was cited for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms, and for creating a biohazardous environment, after his tour bus was stopped near Lafayette yesterday morning.
Louisiana state trooper Willie (no relation) Williams, stopped Mr. Nelson's bus after following it for more than a mile. Officer Williams became suspicious because the bus was traveling at 34 miles per hour, 6 miles per hour under the minimum speed limit.
"As I approached the vehicle, I became disorientated," said Officer Williams. "When someone opened the door to the vehicle, this big cloud of smoke come rolling out. As soon as I inhaled, I began to cough and gag."
Because of the large volume of smoke and a sudden fit of the giggles, Officer Williams was not able to ascertain who, if anyone, had been driving the bus. He found two men—Tony Sizemore, 59 of St. Cloud, Florida, and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas, Texas—slumped at a breakfast nook, a half-eaten carton of Little Debbie Pecan Spinwheels between them.
When he investigated the source of loud music coming from a room at the rear of the bus, Officer Williams found Mr. Nelson, 73, of Spicewod, Texas, his sister Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas, and Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas, listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching an old black-and-white version of The Wizard of Oz with the sound turned off. A large hubcap filled with marijuana was sitting in plain view on a coffee table in the room, next to a solar-powered vaporizer and a package of rolling papers with President Bush's picture and the words "Mission Accomplished" on each leaf.
"At first Mr. Nelson thought I was one of the Village People," said Officer Williams. "When I asked him what that strong smell was, he said it was probably coming from a green crop of the biodiesel fuel the vehicle runs on."
After radioing for assistance and waiting for "what seemed like the longest time," Officer Williams searched the vehicle and found 1.56 pounds of marijuana, 3 ounces of hallucinogenic mushrooms, and the Timothy Leary Mushroom Cookbook.
The quantity of drugs found on the bus was large enough to merit a felony charge of distribution if they had been found in one person's possession, said Officer Williams, but all five persons on the bus swore the drugs were theirs—and the drugs were not packaged for resale—so each person was charged with misdemeanors and then released.
In addition, because Mr. Nelson is the owner of the bus, he was cited for maintaining a biohazardous environment in which unwanted exposure to secondhand smoke is likely to occur, a much more serious offense.
"I had to get someone to drive me back to the barracks," said Officer Williams, smiling at the recollection. "I wasn't good for sh_t the rest of my shift. It took me three times longer than usual to type up my report. I don't know how that guy does it."
Nor does Johnny Knoxville, who appeared in The Dukes of Hazzard with Mr. Nelson and Jessica Simpson last year.
"That sh*t Willie smokes is strong enough to get you committed," Mr. Knoxville told Blender magazine. "I honestly don't see how he functions. He had a crew with him shooting a documentary, and one of the camera guys keeled over while filming.
"I had two hits off a blunt Willie was smoking when we were doing publicity for the movie, and I felt like I was on f_ck_ing acid. And I had to do interviews that day. I called him later to say, 'Thanks a lot, Willie. I was on f_ck_ing Mars for six hours.' Nothing could have made him happier."
In related news, Paul McCartney told members of his yoga class on Long Island yesterday afternoon that he would be willing to do a benefit concert to raise money for Mr. Nelson's legal expenses.
"Willie's gonna be busier than a one-legged whore in an ass-kicking contest," laughed Mr. McCartney.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
