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PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb believes O.J. Simpson was framed for kidnapping, armed robbery, and hooliganism because he is "too black for the dominant white culture" that rules America.
"Black man can't fart without getting arrested in this country because we scare all y'all," Mr. McNabb told Today host Matt Lauer this morning.
"It's a sex thang," Mr. McNabb continued. "Little bitty, jive-ass David Spade types look at a proud black stud like O.J. and all they see is Mandingo yanking up their women and raping their crops."
Mr. McNabb is convinced that O.J. Simpson is being framed in order to promote sales of his book, If I Did It, which was released on Thursday, the same day Mr. Simpson is alleged to have bullied his way into a hotel room in Las Vegas in order to "re-jack some shit that is rightfully mines."
"Think about it," said Mr. McNabb. "First the white judicial system steals the rights to The Juice's book and gives them to the Goldman family, who are trying to break O.J. like Massa broke uppity negroes who looked at white women on the plantation. Then—on the same day the book is released—O.J. gets set up by The Man.
"You don't believe that's a conspiracy, then tell me why The Juice's book is in its second printing already?"
Donovan McNabb believes "it's time for the black man to get up off his knees."
Mr. McNabb's comments about race have grown increasingly militant of late. At a family barbeque on Memorial Day he called his mother a "stinking Uncle Tom" for continuing to promote Campbell's soup. Last month he said Michael Vick was being "castrated" by white people who care more about their pets than they care about the "cultural authenticity" of black men.
Most recently, Mr. McNabb told HBO's Real Sports that because he's black he's been "put under a telescope" and subjected to criticism that white quarterbacks don't have to face.
"Look at Rex Grossman and Eli Manning," said Mr. McNabb. "They don't get half the criticism as Michael V. and I. Word."
Although Mr. McNabb clearly wants to lay claim to street cred, at least one former teammate believes he's simply trying to dispel the lingering impression that he's still Terrell Owens' bitch.
"Aw, Donny's just frontin'," said former Eagles linebacker Dhani Jones. "That dude's always one hairstyle behind the times, He's about as militant as Halle Berry."
Next Oprah: Donovan McNabb talks about his new rap CD, The Black Man's Burden, Yo.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
