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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of "every mother's right" to go naked around her children.
The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity group that counts many Britney Spears fans among its members.
Although MUFF was denied a demonstration permit by the City of Los Angeles, MUFF president, Cynthia Long, said her group was prepared to go to jail to show its support for Ms. Spears.
"I have two little boys about the same ages as Britney's, and I'm always getting naked in front of them," said Ms. Long, 28. "I mean, I'd look pretty stupid wearing clothes when we jump in the bath tub together.
"The establishment wants to take Britney down, but they've gone too far this time," said Ms. Long. "Britney doesn't need some judge to tell her what she can and can't wear in her own house. I could understand if Britney's kids were, like, eleven and twelve, maybe, but at their age? Is the judge afraid they're going to go blind or what?"
According to Ms. Long, MUFF expects several hundred members from the West Coast to attend Saturday's rally. Many of them plan to bring their children.
"We've also heard from a number of C-list celebrities like Vanessa Hudgens, who wants to attend even though she doesn't have children," said Ms. Long. "Vanessa sent us an email pointing out that you don't have to have kids to enjoy being naked."
For their part Los Angeles police have vowed to arrest anyone who violates the city's dress codes. That includes members of both MUFF and BALD (Bare-Assed, Loud, and Daring), an ACT-UP style pro-nudity group that plans to bare it all for Britney's sake on Saturday. Unlike MUFF, however, BALD does not respect age or common decency when it comes to going nude.
"We don't draw any chicken-shit lines," said Marlo Sutphen, recording secretary for BALD.
"Boundaries are for chumps. We think Britney should go around naked in front of her kids no matter how old they are if she wants to. Anyone can flash a little booty in front of a two-year-old, but greeting your daughter's prom date in the raw, that takes courage. My daughter still hasn't spoken to me since I did that, and her goddamn prom was in May."
In related news, Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever says it expects a surprise guest at this Saturday's demonstration, but group president, Cynthia Long, would not comment on rumors that the surprise guest may be Britney Spears herself.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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