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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of "every mother's right" to go naked around her children.
The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity group that counts many Britney Spears fans among its members.
Although MUFF was denied a demonstration permit by the City of Los Angeles, MUFF president, Cynthia Long, said her group was prepared to go to jail to show its support for Ms. Spears.
"I have two little boys about the same ages as Britney's, and I'm always getting naked in front of them," said Ms. Long, 28. "I mean, I'd look pretty stupid wearing clothes when we jump in the bath tub together.
"The establishment wants to take Britney down, but they've gone too far this time," said Ms. Long. "Britney doesn't need some judge to tell her what she can and can't wear in her own house. I could understand if Britney's kids were, like, eleven and twelve, maybe, but at their age? Is the judge afraid they're going to go blind or what?"
According to Ms. Long, MUFF expects several hundred members from the West Coast to attend Saturday's rally. Many of them plan to bring their children.
"We've also heard from a number of C-list celebrities like Vanessa Hudgens, who wants to attend even though she doesn't have children," said Ms. Long. "Vanessa sent us an email pointing out that you don't have to have kids to enjoy being naked."
For their part Los Angeles police have vowed to arrest anyone who violates the city's dress codes. That includes members of both MUFF and BALD (Bare-Assed, Loud, and Daring), an ACT-UP style pro-nudity group that plans to bare it all for Britney's sake on Saturday. Unlike MUFF, however, BALD does not respect age or common decency when it comes to going nude.
"We don't draw any chicken-shit lines," said Marlo Sutphen, recording secretary for BALD.
"Boundaries are for chumps. We think Britney should go around naked in front of her kids no matter how old they are if she wants to. Anyone can flash a little booty in front of a two-year-old, but greeting your daughter's prom date in the raw, that takes courage. My daughter still hasn't spoken to me since I did that, and her goddamn prom was in May."
In related news, Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever says it expects a surprise guest at this Saturday's demonstration, but group president, Cynthia Long, would not comment on rumors that the surprise guest may be Britney Spears herself.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).