You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise, Anna Nicole Smith Approval Drops
Sep 21, 2006, 10:24
NEW YORK - According to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll, Brad Pitt and Clay Aiken registered the greatest increase in their job-approval ratings, while Tom Cruise, Anna Nicole Smith, Lindsay Lohan, and others saw their job performance scores drop. The poll, which has a 3.5 percent margin of correctness, was conducted between September 15 and 17. The winners and losers:
Clay Aiken, 65 percent. Mr. Aiken's devoted fans, the Claymates, keep his job-approval rating high no matter how many ex-Army Rangers claim to have sullied the sheets with the American Idol runner-up. Now, with a new hair style—he no longer looks like Pee Wee Herman's queer little brother—and a new album, A Thousand Different Ways, Mr. Aiken's job approval rating is high enough to make President George W.Bush want to start another war.
Brad Pitt, 46 percent. After a series of declining ratings followed his willingness to play George Clooney's sidekick and Angelina Jolie's bitch, Mr. Pitt caught a break when a rumor surfaced last weekend that Paramount had tapped him to replace Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible: IV. That story, which cynics claim was planted by someone in the Jolie-Pitt camp, was followed by the announcement that the Jolie-Pitts have donated another $2 million to charity, which, as everyone knows, is the new celebrity this year.
Tom Cruise, 26 percent. He gets a public spanking from Viacom's Sumner Redstone, so Mr. Cruise releases the first pictures of his alleged daughter Suri in Vanity Fair. Trouble is, he cops a cute kid-in-jacket pose that Paul McCartney used thirty-something years ago, and the kid makes Maddox Jolie-Pitt look as if he was born in the U.S.A. No wonder people are tired of letting Tom Cruise be Tom Cruise.
Anna Nicole Smith, 19 percent. Not content with turning herself into a cottage industry by stripping, posing nude at the drop of a dollar, growing breasts the size of watermelons, marrying a cadaver sixty-some years older than she, and starring in a reality television series—Anna Nicole Smith outdoes herself, there really is no competition in that regard, by selling the last pictures taken of her son before he died in her hospital room in the Bahamas.
Lindsay Lohan, 18 percent. Some people might have been willing to believe that Ms. Lohan wasn't baked out of her brains when she fell and fractured her two-inch- circumference wrist last Friday, occasioning yet another mad rush to another hospital. No one was buying her return visit to the hospital twenty-four hours later because she was in excruciating pain. Ms. Blohan out of painkillers? Right. That's like Paris Hilton being out of Valtrex.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
