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Jennifer Aniston's New Body Confident with Jennifer Aniston
Sep 23, 2007, 09:44
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LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Aniston's new body is telling friends that it's confident Ms. Aniston can compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for serious movie roles and magazine covers.

"There's more to Jennifer Aniston than a nice rack and a tight, little ass," said Ms. Aniston's new body, dressed in a revealing top and camel-toe-inducing jeans.

"People are bound to realize this once they hear what she has to say about important issues like cosmetic surgery and the estate tax."

Ms. Aniston's new body said it had bonded with Ms. Aniston during a recent vacation in Hawaii, where her micro-bikini turned heads wherever she went, especially in restaurants.

"That did more for her self-image than all her years on the therapist's couch," said Ms. Aniston's new body. "It gave her the confidence to explore ideas and to use her brain as well as her boobs."

Ms. Aniston herself was not available for comment.

"That's Jennifer," said close friend Courtney Cox, "always willing to let her body do the talking. I just hope she isn't talking out her ass."


In other news, the National Mime Workers Association has asked Americans to observe a moment of noise tomorrow at noon in honor of French mime Marcel Marceau, who died recently at the age of eighty-four.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.