You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Victoria Beckham Induces Quarterly Bowel Movement
Sep 24, 2007, 08:19
The strain of her ordeal is written clearly on Victoria Beckham's face.
HOLLYWOOD - Victoria Beckham, the artist formerly known as Posh Spice, finally has produced a bowel movement for the third quarter of 2007, a source close to the seventy-two-pound fashion icon has revealed.
Ms. Beckham had hoped to produce the bowel movement naturally after adding six grams of artificially flavored low-cal bran to her diet each day for the last week, but for the ninth quarter in a row her 250-calorie-per-day regimen did not leave her up to the job.
"Victoria strained mightily to produce this BM on her own," said a spokesperson for Ms. Beckham, "but after she had been at it for ninety minutes or so, doctors decided to induce.
"Victoria and her BM are resting comfortably at an undisclosed location," added the spokesperson, who described the 2.5-ounce stool as having the "color, texture, and nose of a single-estate, high-percentage dark chocolate."
THEM Weekly is reporting that the "undisclosed location" is Tom Cruise's private suite in the subbasement of the Scientology Center in Hollywood. The magazine also reports that Ms. Beckham was attended during her delivery by her husband, oft-injured footballer, David.
In other news, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who threw for four touchdowns in the Eagles rout of the Detroit Lions yesterday, complained to reporters after the game, "Because Tom Brady is white, he'll get more props for throwing four touchdown passes today than I will."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
