Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Will Star in Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf
Sep 27, 2006, 08:57
LOS ANGELES - Hoping to squelch rumors that their relationship has hit the skid marks, and to capitalize on the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to star as Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf in the big-budget musical-thriller of the same name. Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf is adapted from Beowulf, the first musical in the English language.
Believed to have been written in Olde English in ye eighth century, Beowulf chronicles the exploits of a Danish scop (the Olde English word for singer-songwriter) who takes it upon himself to save his people from Grendel W., a smirking cowardly beast intent on conquering Daneland in order to gain control of its vast stores of fish oil.
Under the direction of Robert Zemeckis, Mr. Pitt will play Mr. Beowulf, a pretty boy known more for his loving than his fighting. Ms. Jolie will play Mrs. Beowulf, a blood-drinking, pants-wearing princess, who is also determined to save her people from the underhanded Grendel W.
Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Beowulf is aware that the other has a contract to stop Grendel W.'s army—led by a stammering, fire-breathing, retired general named Dumbsfeld—before it crosses the border of Daneland.
Mr. Beowulf tells Mrs. Beowulf he is going to entertain the troops massed along the Daneland border. As soon as he leaves their hut, Mrs. Beowulf puts down the two young adopted children she carries everywhere she goes. After bidding them a brief farewell in their native tongues, she sets off for the border disguised as a member of her father's army.
Meanwhile, for the past fortenight (an Olde English word meaning two weeks), Grendel W. and Dumbsfeld have sent their soldiers out each night to slay Daneland's warriors with magic arrows that can see in the dark. After Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf have been at the front long enough to assess the situation—and to note that scores of innocent Danes are being slain by Grendel W.'s smart arrows—each travels to Grendel W.'s headquarters in the fen-fastnesses near the village of Hrothgar.
As Mr. Beowulf approaches Grendel W.'s headquarters, which is guarded by his twin daughters, who are half woman-half beer mug, he hears the sound of someone choking on a pretzel inside. He slips past the snoring sentries and enters through the front door of Grendel's headquarters just as Mrs. Beowulf, much to his surprise, enters through the rear door.
Do they stand by while Grendel W. chokes to death on his own stupidity? Do they save him and then kill him? If so, how will they split the price that's been put on his head? These and other questions are answered in the four-song finale, which ends with the members of ABBA riding across the screen dressed as the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse.
In related news, Robert Zemeckis told US Weekly that Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf will be filmed in performance-capture technology, a state-of-the-art technique that transforms actors into computer-animated versions of themselves willing to work for scale. The sound- track will feature songs by ABBA, Neil Diamond, Clay Aiken, Scissor Sisters, 50 Cent, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, and Elton John.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.