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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
LONDON - The latest Madeleine McCann "sighting" confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents.
The most recent Madeleine sighting to come a cropper was in the village of Zinat, ninety minutes from Tangiers, where a British accountant on holiday snapped a photo of a child who was "a dead cert ringer" for Madeleine. An investigation conducted by The Evening Standard revealed, however, that this Madeleine is the daughter of an olive farmer.
"That's the seventeenth Madeleine McCann sighting we've had this month," said Scotland Yard's detective chief inspector, Reginald Thwart, "and, quite frankly, I'd be happy if we didn't have another one. These people who want to be 'helpful' ought to go back to looking for images of the Blessed Virgin on pieces of toast."
Inspector Cecily Armstrong, a missing persons expert with Scotland Yard, explained that Madeleine sightings are driven by a variety of motives.
"Cases like this bring all sorts of gobshites out of the woodwork: do-gooders with a houseful of cats and a pathological need to be helpful; religious fanatics who believe god has told them where to find Madeleine; sexually repressed housewives looking for a thrill— they've all got a story to tell and, unfortunately, we have to listen."
Although Madeleine McCann has been spotted virtually everywhere that Brits go on holiday—and at any given time one fifth of the British work force is on holiday somewhere—the current record for Madeleine sightings is five in one day on the island of Malta, June 22.
Compounding the problem is another strange development, said Armstrong.
"Parents of some young girls purposely cut their hair and give them a makeover so they look like Madeleine. That's creepy, but we're seeing more and more of it, and every second kid is carrying a goddamn Cuddle Cat."
In related news, Scotland Yard says it has no plans to investigate a Madeleine McCann-Natalee Holloway sighting reported by an Inland Revenue employee on holiday in Belize.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
