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Presenting the astrological world's first Ganjascope, a timeless foretelling that reveals your past, present, and future at once. We take the logical out of astrological.

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Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night

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Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot
Sep 28, 2007 - 11:23
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"It's time for Kwanzaa to embrace diversity," said Mayor Giuliani.
NEW YORK � Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won�t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today.

�The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,� said the spokesman.�

Therefore, Mr. Giuliani plans to issue a position paper recommending that Kwanzaa, the African American Christmas celebration, be move to a new time slot.

�Kwanzaa has been troubled by poor Nielsen ratings for some time now,� said Mr. Giuliani. �That is why I pledge that during the first one hundred days of my administration I will sign an executive order that moves the Kwanzaa celebration to the weekend before Christmas—not only positioning it for maximum impact but also shortening it from eight days to two.�

Traditionally Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26 to January 1, but Mr. Giuliani believes the new time slot and tightened format will revive interest in the celebration.

�September 11 changed the way we think about holiday celebrations,� said Mr. Giuliani. �It�s time we moved Kwanzaa from the back of the holiday bus.�

The final Nielsen ratings for 2006 gave Kwanzaa a disappointing 0.5 percent share. A share represents the number of houses with Kwanzaa decorations as a percentage of all decorated houses.

�That�s the lowest Kwanzaa share ever,� said A.C. Nielsen III, head of Nielsen�s holiday division. �Christmas, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, even Feliz Navidad, the new Hispanic Christmas celebration, all tracked better than Kwanzaa last year.�

Mr. Giuliani�s proposal also reaches out to Caucasian Americans by suggesting that Kwanzaa be �an all-inclusive holiday,� open to people of all races.

�There are literally millions of white kids in baggy clothes who would support Kwanzaa,� said America�s mayor. �Kwanzaa can no longer afford to treat them like second-class citizens.�

In related news, Mr. Giuliani hinted that his vision for an all-inclusive Kwanzaa could include renaming an early bowl game the Kwanzaa Bowl and asking Eminem to be the grand marshal of the Kwanzaa Bowl parade.

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