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Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot
Sep 28, 2007, 11:23
"It's time for Kwanzaa to embrace diversity," said Mayor Giuliani.
NEW YORK – Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won’t take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today.
“The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness,” said the spokesman.”
Therefore, Mr. Giuliani plans to issue a position paper recommending that Kwanzaa, the African American Christmas celebration, be move to a new time slot.
“Kwanzaa has been troubled by poor Nielsen ratings for some time now,” said Mr. Giuliani. “That is why I pledge that during the first one hundred days of my administration I will sign an executive order that moves the Kwanzaa celebration to the weekend before Christmas—not only positioning it for maximum impact but also shortening it from eight days to two.”
Traditionally Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26 to January 1, but Mr. Giuliani believes the new time slot and tightened format will revive interest in the celebration.
“September 11 changed the way we think about holiday celebrations,” said Mr. Giuliani. “It’s time we moved Kwanzaa from the back of the holiday bus.”
The final Nielsen ratings for 2006 gave Kwanzaa a disappointing 0.5 percent share. A share represents the number of houses with Kwanzaa decorations as a percentage of all decorated houses.
“That’s the lowest Kwanzaa share ever,” said A.C. Nielsen III, head of Nielsen’s holiday division. “Christmas, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, even Feliz Navidad, the new Hispanic Christmas celebration, all tracked better than Kwanzaa last year.”
Mr. Giuliani’s proposal also reaches out to Caucasian Americans by suggesting that Kwanzaa be “an all-inclusive holiday,” open to people of all races.
“There are literally millions of white kids in baggy clothes who would support Kwanzaa,” said America’s mayor. “Kwanzaa can no longer afford to treat them like second-class citizens.”
In related news, Mr. Giuliani hinted that his vision for an all-inclusive Kwanzaa could include renaming an early bowl game the Kwanzaa Bowl and asking Eminem to be the grand marshal of the Kwanzaa Bowl parade.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
