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The Book of Daze℠
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We surely don't. National Find a Rainbow Day? Fuck that, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else bothers to celebrate, visit . . . The Book of Daze℠.

Your 420 Ganjascope©
Presenting the astrological world's first Ganjascope, a timeless foretelling that reveals your past, present, and future at once. We take the logical out of astrological.

The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a dried-up, old-biddy Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive or if you dare misuse penultimate. Visit The Grammar Prick.

Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

You Can't Photoshop This

Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."

The Fuck It List
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Ten Things You Should Quit While Not Going Gently into That Good Night

  1. Religion
  2. Voting
  3. Seat Belts
  4. FOX Fucking News
  5. Paying for Music and Movies
  6. Picking Up Pills That You Drop
  7. Pissing Indoors All the Time
  8. Talking Baby Talk to Children
  9. Stupid-Ass, Dip-Shit, Old-Fart Hats
10. Bathing or Showering Regularly

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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous to mention.

Was Anna Nicole Smith's Son the Father of Her Baby?
Sep 29, 2006 - 11:35
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"I want a girl just like the girl."
NASSAU, Bahamas - As the number of men jostling to claim paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's three-week-old daughter grows, sources in the Bahamas worry that the real father of the child may have been her son, Daniel Wayne Smith. That news, many Bahamians fear, could spell trouble in paradise for the islands' tourist industry.

"We are all aware of what happened in Aruba," said Michael Scott, a Bahamian attorney for Ms. Smith. "We don't want that happening here."

What happened in Aruba, of course, was an incessant drum beat of "news" coverage from Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren, Rita Cosby, et al. that eventually turned Aruba into a four-letter word.

Those with their ears to the ground in the Bahamas swear the sound of drums has already begun. First came the surprising admission that Daniel Wayne Smith was found lying dead next to his mother in her hospital bed, not in a chair in her room as previous reports had alleged.

That stunner was delivered by Ms. Smith's long-time lawyer-confidant Howard K. Stern on Larry King Live this Tuesday. Mr. King, who couldn't have looked more surprised if one of his suspenders had snapped and put out his left eye, asked if Daniel wasn't a bit old to be sharing a bed with his mother.

"They're just good friends," said Mr. Stern, brushing the question aside.

Mr. Stern then announced that he was the "proud father" of Ms. Smith's child. When Mr. King asked if there was any DNA evidence to support this claim, Mr. Stern replied, "No, but I'm prepared to take a DNA test if I'm legally compelled to."

That reply did not sit well with locals at the Dirty Sanchez Bar and Grille in Nassau.

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Custom-made bike, $15,000; Anna Nicole Smith saddlebags, priceless.
"He's lyin', mon," said Gillespie St. Andre, who runs a snorkeling party boat. "If he is the father, why did that woman name her baby Dannie Lynn Hope Smith? You don't have to know spellin' to read between the lines there."

Although no one in the Bahamian government or tourist industry was willing to comment publicly about this sensitive issue, one tourist minister did allow that Ms. Smith and Mr. Stern had been acting "peculiar" of late.

Perhaps his skepticism was occasioned by the fact that two days after Mr. Stern's appearance on Larry King Live, reports began drifting out of the Bahamas that Mr. Stern and Ms. Smith had gotten married on a catamaran—the Bahamian equivalent of the Elvis wedding chapels in Las vegas.

No sooner had that rumor begun to walk than a publicist for Ms. Smith and Mr. Stern denied it, sort of.

"Anna Nicole and Howard escaped their house at 3 a.m. this morning," said the publicist. "They boarded a boat to quietly sail the ocean around Nassau. They wanted to recapture simple pleasures—fresh salt air on the face, a sunrise on the ocean, eating caviar with the wind in their hair.

"And then a good thing happened: during the sail Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern made a commitment before God to be each other's strength during this difficult time. Unfortunately by midmorning helicopters flew overhead, speed boats approached, and camera-equipped scuba divers invaded what had been an otherwise perfect moment of peace, solitude, and hope."

Although the ceremony was officiated by a certified astrologist, it was not a wedding and no marriage certificate was issued, said the publicist, who declined to say how the press had gotten wind of the private sailing party.

Next Oprah: Children of incest confront their parents.

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