You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Britney Spears Stripped of Her Citizenship
Oct 2, 2007, 14:25
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Britney Spears has been stripped of her citizenship, the White House revealed this morning. President Bush took this rare, but not unprecedented, step when he signed an executive order relieving Ms. Spears of her citizenship at 8:59 last evening, just before he retired for the night.
"Presidents are reluctant to invoke this power," said White House press secretary, Dana Perino, noting that the last president to wield this privilege was Jimmy Carter, who stripped his brother, Billy, of his citizenship in 1978.
President Bush, whose twin daughters are roughly Ms. Spears' age, has been concerned for some time that her behavior "sends the wrong message" to our enemies.
"At a time when our enemies already hate us for who we are," said Mr. Bush in a prepared statement, "we can no longer allow Ms. Spears to masquerade as the American dream, especially in light of her abysmal performance at the MTV awards last month."
The president's executive order reclassifies Ms. Spears as an illegal alien who cannot remain in the United States, much less work here, unless she is granted a temporary visa, which would give her the right to apply for entry into the United States. The Catch-22 in that regard, however, is the state department's reluctance to grant visas to drunks, exhibitionists, or persons with IQs lower than 85.
As yet there has been no official statement from Ms. Spears' regarding her loss of citizenship. A member of Ms. Spears' dwindling inner circle told THEM Weekly, however, that Ms. Spears laughed when she heard the news.
"Big whoop," said Ms. Spears. "I never vote anyway."
THEM Weekly is also reporting that when Ms. Spears was told losing her citizenship meant not only that she couldn't vote here but also that she might no longer be able to live here, she looked up from her bong and asked, "Whaaat? Where am I supposed to live?"
One possibility is Namibia, which bent over frontward to accommodate Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie when they decided to have their first biological child there.
"Britney considered moving to Namibia last summer just before Jayden James was born," said THEM Weekly. "She was particularly impressed with Namibia's relaxed attitudes about mothers going naked in front of their children."
In other news, former presidential contender John Kerry said today that even though he once asked, "Who will be the last to die for a mistake?" he is not certain he intended that question in the same manner that Bruce Springsteen intends it on his new album, Magic.
"I meant that question then, and I may well mean it now," said Mr. Kerry, "but I want to keep my options open in case I decide I didn't really mean it that way in the first place."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
