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Mark Foley Enters Alcoholism Rehab; Gambling Rehab Next
Oct 3, 2006, 07:27
LAPLAND, Fla. - Mark Foley (R-FL) quietly slipped into a rehab facility for alcoholism treatment last weekend. In a statement read by his attorney, Mr. Foley said, "I strongly believe I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems."
Mr. Foley, a 52-year-old bachelor who co-chaired the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, abruptly quit the House of Representatives last Friday after reports had surfaced that he had sent lewd e-mail messages containing sexually explicit emoticons to boys working as pages.
Mr. Foley's attorney, David Roth, would not identify the facility that Mr. Foley had entered, nor would he say how long Mr. Foley would be there. Mr. Roth did say, however, that his client would "most likely" enter a rehab facility for compulsive gambling after "successfully concluding" his alcoholism treatment.
"Mark is committed to getting to the bottom of his problem, no matter how painful that process might be," said Mr. Roth. "If, god forbid, alcoholism and gambling treatments are not effective, Mark is prepared to undergo rehabilitation for compulsive shopping, binge eating, and any other addiction that might help him get to the root cause of his online behavior."
In related news, a spokesperson for the Log Cabin Republicans, a national gay and lesbian Republican grassroots organization, denied that the words log or cabin have sexual connotations.
In other related news, President Bush challenged Democrats in Congress to support the passage of the Gay Pages Amendment, which would prohibit "knowingly homosexual teenagers" from serving as pages in Congress.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
