You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
George Clooney Has Penis Envy Says Dr. Phil
Oct 4, 2006, 08:14
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Once again George Clooney is whining about all the attention he gets from paparazzi, and once again he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore.
Boy George told Vanity Fair in his usual self-important way that he has developed a "theory on debunking photographs in magazines, you know, the paparazzi photographs."
In reality Boy George's theory smells like a half-ass scheme.
"I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio.
"People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.'"
This latest "theory" from Boy George is even more brilliant than his attempt last April to put Gawker.com, the celebrity-sighting website, out of business by urging celebrities' agents to flood Gawker.com with bogus celebrity sightings.
The more cynical among us might see the ravings of Boy George as a plodding attempt by an essentially plodding man to gin up a little interest in himself. According to television shrink Dr. Phil McGraw, however, Boy George's theory is a cry for help from a man with something to hide.
"Has Mr. Clooney been photographed in public with a woman recently?" asked Dr. Phil. "Apart from those he chats up at publicity events? Not really.
"Now what we have to ask ourselves is, why? Is he trying to shield women from those nasty paparazzi? Is he gay? Certainly his remark about Clive Owen would lead one to think so. I quote, 'He's, like, a man—there's a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting.'"
Dr. Phil suspects that Boy George's drooling over Mr. Owen is "just a smokescreen." Boy George's real problem, says Dr. Phil, is penis envy.
"It's more prominent among men than among women, you know, especially among men whose images are their fortune. By fantasizing about appearing in public with a string of beautiful women, Mr. Clooney is hoping to cut other men down to size. It's the psychological equivalent of putting lifts in your shoes."
Dr. Phil's theory is corroborated by one of Boy George's co-stars in the Ocean's series.
"We often went out for a few after the day's filming was over, and never once did I see George use a urinal in the gents. He always went into a stall. He claimed he was afraid of being surprised by a paparazzo, but if he was proud of his kit, why hide it? From the way he acted, you'd think he was hung like Jude Law or something."
Next Oprah: How to tell if your man measures up.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
