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Courtney Love and Chimp Separated by Sliver of DNA
Oct 8, 2006, 06:58
BOSTON - According to reports published in the current issues of the journals Nature and Science, a new comparison of the genetic blueprints of chimpanzees and humans shows that a mere sliver of DNA separates Courtney Love and other celebrities from chimps.
The controversial reports are based on a genome-mapping project funded by the National Institutes of Health and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The project was designed to answer the perennial question: What makes humans human? In a serendipitous development the project may also help to explain why Courtney Love and other celebrities behave more like feces-flinging primates than most humans do.
"Changes to a mere sliver of DNA make it possible for humans to walk upright, compose symphonies, lead sober, productive lives, and comport themselves with a modicum of dignity," said Merrick Anders, director of the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard University, one of sixty-seven researchers in five countries who worked on the genome-mapping project.
The genetic changes that enable researchers to distinguish most humans from chimpanzees occur in roughly 2 percent of the three billion chemical letters that make up the human genetic code. These changes have occurred in the six million years since Homo sapiens and chimpanzees diverged from a common ancestor: Mapotherus erectus, a shorter-than-average creature that was noted for its leaping ability, its tendency to drop to one knee when aroused, and it argumentative nature.
"Obviously, people in whom those beneficial genetic changes are not fully developed—or, in Ms. Love's case, appear to have occurred in a much smaller number—will exhibit self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior reminiscent of a chimp in a cage who masturbates in public and flings turds at visitors," said Anders.
As scientists have studied genomes more closely, they have discovered greater instances of genetic "outliers" in individuals—patterns that do not conform to those found in the general population. These patterns may go a long way to explaining unique traits in some people: susceptibility to sudden weight gain, for example, or an inclination toward multiple substance abuse, inane comments, or a disregard for personal appearance.
Although Dr. Anders and other researchers stopped short of saying whether Courtney Love, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, and other celebrities are genetically programmed to act the fool, a top Hollywood defense attorney said the genome mapping project could lead to the development of a novel defense for antisocial behavior: not guilty by reason of DNA.
In related news, scientists say the results of the genome-mapping project "clearly validate the mechanics of evolution because no one, not even Pat Robertson, could believe Ms. Love is the product of intelligent design."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Strike a blow for freedom.
