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Lindsay Lohan Narrows College Choices to Harvard or Rochville
Oct 9, 2007, 13:28
OUTBACK, Utah - Recently clean actress Lindsay Lohan has narrowed her college choices to Harvard and Rochville universities, a spokesperson for the I Know Who Killed Me star said yesterday.
"Despite what nearly everybody thinks, Lindsay is an incredibly bright girl when she's sober; and now that she is sober, she wants to have the college experience she gave up to refine her craft as an actress."
According to her spokesperson, Ms. Lohan had been "all set to go to Yale" four years ago, but she put those plans on hold to make Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and other films. Now, after looking at a number of college brochures during her sixty-three-day stint at Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic, she has narrowed her choices to Harvard and Rochville.
"If Lindsay decides to major in psychology, she'll more than likely pick Harvard," said the spokesperson. "If she decides to pursue a degree in film studies, Rochville gets the nod."
The differences between Harvard and Rochville are not lost on perspective students like Ms. Lohan. Harvard has rigid admissions standards, requires students to attend classes, and costs roughly $45,000 a year. Rochville, on the other hand, requires "no studies, no attendance, no examinations, and no hefty fees." In fact, says the Rochville website, "On the basis of what you already know, you can now qualify for an accredited degree that is accepted and recognized worldwide for as little as $199."
"Lindsay's been struggling with this choice for some time," said her spokesperson. "That's why she extended her stay in rehab—so she could give this decision the kind of thought it requires. It's enough to drive a person to drink, if you'll pardon the expression."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
