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North Korea Confirms Kim Jong-il's Sweet Sixteen Blast
Oct 11, 2006, 15:55
"Don't piss me off or I'll hold my breath until those rockets go off."
PYONGYANG, North Korea - According to jet setters in this capital city of North Korea, the recent nuclear bombshell was not an act of aggression but the cool show-stopper of a totally awesome sweet sixteen party that Kim Jong-il threw to celebrate his sixteen years as North Korea's self-appointed Supreme Dear Leader.
North Korean MTV, which usually sticks to old episodes of Real World Moscow and Phil Collins videos, covered the whole thing from shin-dig to sha-bang and let us in on the hot fission of events.
The location, an underground bunker in the hip city of Yongbyon, was decked out to look like a hot night club from Kim's favorite city, Miami, complete with 250 royal palms, truckfuls of white sand, and a Wave machine filled with Veuve Clicquot.
Even the invitations were Miami-themed—baked in individual cheesecakes and hand delivered by Min "Maude" Lee, North Korea's most famous Bea Arthur impersonator.
What did those lucky enough to make it past the velvet (and electrified) rope think?
"It was awesome," said one partygoer. "All my cousin had at his sweet sixteen was, like, a chocolate fountain and a Backstreet Boys cover band featuring Nick Carter. Kim Jong-il had, like, fire eaters and gift bags with food rations for a whole month! Oh, and the nuclear warhead."
Still we wondered, with all the bling, why the bomb?
"Let's all put our hands together for me."
"We want to change the way U.S. imperial thugs see the DPRK (Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea)," said cultural affairs minister, Soon Lee Park. "We want to be known as the party peninsula. What better way to get your freak on than a nuclear discharge equal to 550 tons of TNT?"
But enough with the chain reaction, let's talk clothes! How does a leader known as a trendsetter from Vienna to Vladivostok update his savvy signature look of a two-piece zipfront jumpsuit with butterfly collar and Payless platform shoes?
How 'bout having Versace whip up a version in silver leather, its back bedazzled with 15,000 Swarovski crystals to spell out "Da Bomb"? Take that Mr. Lagerfeld.
Of course it wouldn't be a sweet sixteen without some drama. First, there were so many high-profile no shows that officials had to fly in a few Venezuelan officials and Tara Reid to maintain celebrity cred. Then the well-known North Korean DJ The Notorious DMZ forgot to play Kim's favorite song, "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight."
But what really had Mr. Jong-il on the verge of a meltdown were the kidnapped Japanese guests who got a little rowdy and ended up crushing the mushroom cloud-shaped cake, reducing it to a mash of red velvet crumbs and ash colored buttercream.
Security escorted out the guilty few quicker than you could say "Nagasaki," and soon Kim was back to his old self and ready to let loose with the big bang party finale. As the crowd gyrated to Donna Summer's "Last Dance," Kim pressed the button and shouted, "Yo yawl. Let's turn this mutha out!"
After the test at 1:36 GMT the dapper dictator made a brief appearance to the cheers of radioactive revelers before leaving in a custom designed Lexus in the shape of a nuclear missile. While squeezing into the driver's side he joked, "Does this thing make me look fat."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
