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George Clooney Health Records Reveal Hemorrhoids, Incontinence
Oct 11, 2007, 14:29
NORTH BERGEN, N.J. - George Clooney's health records contain some personally embarrassing information, said a hospital health worker who was suspended after taking a secret peek at Mr. Clooney's private annals.
"Persistent hemorrhoids, acute situational incontinence, chronic erectile dysfunction, projectile flatulence, pubic boils—there's more to George Clooney than meets the eye or ear," said Cheryl Boozer, a nutritionist at Palisades Medical Center in North Bergen, New Jersey, where Mr. Clooney, 46, and a female companion were treated following a motorcycle-car accident on September 21.
Ms. Boozer and twenty-six of her colleagues were suspended for one month without pay after hospital officials had determined they had not only peeked underneath Mr. Clooney's gown but also leaked information to THEM Weekly, a raunchy internet gossip site.
"Who could blame them for looking," said THEM Weekly's medical editor, Seamus Wilkins, B.S. "After all, it's not everyday that a two-time winner of the sexiest man in the world award turns up in a flimsy gown on your ward. I know I'd want to get a peek under the hood if a sex machine like that got towed into my garage."
Many observers, including the ACLU, believe the breach of Mr. Clooney's security was instigated by "parties high up" in the Bush administration in an attempt to discredit the left-leaning actor.
Ms. Boozer denies that allegation, while confirming that Mr. Clooney leans toward the left in more ways than one.
George Clooney's version of the bloomin' onion.
"He's got a monster case of Peyronie's disease," said Ms. Boozer. "His morning nurse told me George's dick looks like a sausage link trying to signal a left-hand turn."
Mr. Clooney's hand puppet, Danny DeVito, laughed when he learned that Mr. Clooney's medical conditions had been made public.
"Sounds like George got punked," said Mr. DeVito, who told reporters that Mr. Clooney is famous for taking pictures of his friends in compromising positions and emailing them to supermarket tabloids.
"Paybacks are a bitch, eh? George isn't going to seem very sexy once people learn about his projectile flatulence. Let him who is without boils on his ass cast the first stone."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
