You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie Patch-Up Brokered by John Bolton
Oct 16, 2006, 06:14
NEW YORK - Who says UN diplomacy doesn't work? Not recently reunited BFFs Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, says US ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, who brokered the reunion.
Bolton confirmed to Celebratty Chatter that after tense negotiations the feud between these Simple Life frenemys finally came to a close.
"We started by enacting sanctions," said a visibly exhausted Bolton. "Travel to the Palms in Vegas was verboten, and shipments of Juicy Couture were intersected at the Beverly Hills border. This was very effective in bringing them to the bargaining table."
But what sealed the deal?
"We offered carrots," explained the gruff diplomat. "For Paris it was Harry Winston carats. For Nicole it was the threat that she would have to eat one."
So how do the thankful tabloid queens plan on repaying the UN for their salvaged schadenfreude?
Sources tell us that in the new season of their show—Simple Life 5: It's a Simple, Simple, Simple, Simple, Simple World—Paris and Nicole become diplomat debs. Look for the glamorous pitter patter of Manolo heels and Tinker belle's toes in the general assembly to help turn this stuffy institution into a model UN.
We hear the episode in which Paris is forced to be an Iranian interpreter is a hoot and a half; and when tensions mount in war-torn Darfur, how does the precocious, paper- thin Richie defuse the situation?
"Spin the bottle . . . works every time," Nicole told us coolly.
"After security counsel president, Kenzo Oshima, locked lips with the Sudanese ambassador, it wasn't just those refuges that were hot and bothered.
"Get a room, fellas!" joked Richie.
"In all seriousness," Paris told us, "we, like, love the United Nations of UN. That guy Kofi is so the coolest leader and has the best skin."
Her publicist interrupted to inform Ms. Hilton that the new UN secretary-general would actually be South Korean Ambassador Ban Ki-Moon.
"Whatever," shrugged Ms. Hilton. "South Koreans are hot."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
