You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Ellen DeGeneres Wins Ass Hat Award for Dog Speech
Oct 17, 2007, 12:40
LOS ANGELES - Ellen DeGeneres is the newest winner of the Postcards from the Pug Bus Ass Hat award. Ms. DeGeneres, 49, copped the prestigious award for using the bully pulpit of her television chat show to put a self-serving spin on her disregard of an agreement she had signed with a pet rescue agency.
According to the agreement, signed when Ms. DeGeneres and her current partner, Portia de Rossi, adopted a Brussels griffon mix named Iggy last month, Iggy was to be returned to the adoption agency if the ladies elected not to keep him.
Poor Iggy, who was only four months old when he was adopted on September 20, didn't adjust fast enough to Ms. De Generes-de Rossi's cats, who, we are willing to bet, are females. Therefore, after keeping the unfortunate puppy for two weeks—and relieving him of his manhood, probably out of spite—Ms. DeGeneres fobbed him off on her hairdresser, who has two daughters, aged eleven and twelve.
When the adoption agency that had entrusted Iggy to the DeGeneres-deRossis—Mutts and Moms of Pasadena, California—learned that the ladies had disregarded the terms of their contract, it sent someone to collect Iggy from the hairdresser. Mutts and Moms, it turns out, has a policy of looking after the welfare of the animals it entrusts to people and it has a policy of not placing pets with families whose children are younger than fourteen.
Instead of doing the manly thing and dealing directly with the adoption agency, Ms. DeGeneres went all weepy and woe-is-me on her television chat show, putting the agency's name and business in the street while attempting to effect damage control before she was outed for passing the puppy around from pillar to bedpost.
Saying she couldn't "pretend to be funny" on such a sad day, Ms. DeGeneres continued, "I guess I signed a piece of paper that says if I can't keep Iggy, it goes back to the rescue organization, which is not someone's home, which is not a family."
"Did you remember to feed the dog?" "What dog? I gave it away last week."
Setting aside the fact that Ms. DeGeneres pretends to be funny most other days, there are still more holes in her argument than there are in Britney Spears' underwear.
First, Ms. DeGeneres acts as if there are only two possibilities for Iggy: her hairdresser's or a lonely cage for the rest of his life. That's crap. Five-month-old, neutered Brussels griffon mixes are placed in responsible homes almost as fast as you can say, "Do I look like I should be going bowling instead of hosting the Oscars in this outfit?"
Second, two weeks is a mighty short leash on which to place a lively puppy. No matter how much Ms. DeGeneres sobs about spending $3,000 to have Iggy "trained" so that he would get along with her cats—and about paying her vet to let Iggy sleep with him (or her)—it's obvious that this is a woman who was looking for an accessory, not a pet. Why else would she think a four-month-old puppy is old enough to be "trained" to play nice with cats?
Third, Ms. DeGeneres is even more to be scorned for using her television show to whip her sisters into a self-mutilating revenge frenzy. Thanks to Ms. DeGeneres' Razzie-worthy performance, the good people at Mutts and Moms have begun receiving death and arson threats and have been targeted for a boycott by the Legions of Ellen. That should certainly speed up the process of finding good homes for animals.
For these and for other reasons Ellen DeGeneres is the winner of our latest ass hat award.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
