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Mark Foley Biopic Doesn't Make Hilary Swank Horny
Oct 20, 2006, 05:22
NEW YORK - November sweeps and midterm elections are fast approaching. Quicker than you can send your favorite page a "how's it going, Stud?" instant message, the Lifetime Original Movie channel has rushed to cash in on the Mark Foley sex scandal.
The network known for hard-hitting television movies such as Baby For Sale, She's Too Young, and Homeless to Harvard: the Liz Murray Story, promises a "ripped-from-the- headlines expose" filled with scandal, intrigue, and a little log cabin fever.
Lifetime alum Chad Lowe has been tapped to write, direct, and tackle the lead role in this film--allegedly titled Congress is Not a Fairy Tale. Lowe will play Mark Foley, the 52-year-old former Republican congressman from Florida who is known for lobbying the wrong congressional body with inappropriate IMs.
Lifetime execs tell us to expect a particularly personal performance from Mr. Lowe, and there's Emmy-buzz potential in his flashback scenes featuring a "mesmerizing" Rip Taylor as Rev. Anthony Mercieca, the priest who allegedly fondled but did not abuse a young, willing Foley. Plus, you'll want to pay attention to the man behind the fat suit and Bungie cord suspenders--none other than big bro Rob Lowe making a cameo as majority leader, J. Dennis Hastert.
But behind the scenes, insiders say, the whole project could go from fabulous to filibuster because of a casting glitch that has everyone involved saying "paging Hilary Swank," literally.
Despite Ms. Swank's multiple vetoes of offers to play the underage congressional page, Lifetime execs are still hoping the respected star of Boys Don't Cry, Million Dollar Baby, and Beverly Hills 90210 will change her mind and say, "Ms. Swank goes to Washington."
According to network president, Betty Cohen, "Ms. Swank has not only made a career out of playing up her testosterone charms and boyish frame, she's also nabbed a pair of impressive academy bookends. She'd be a natural as gullible, 16-year-old man candy."
True, and sources also point to a possible love re-connection with ex-Mr. Swank, Chad Lowe. He is rumored to have written torrid love scenes, in which Hilary plays a lean and lanky boy-toy, as a way to rekindle some serious, gender-bending sparks.
But what if Ms. Swank decides the closest she wants to come to a page boy is the hair style?
The project is still a go, insists Cohen.
"Chad knows that his first obligation is to service Mark Foley."
Friends of Mr. Lowe concur, saying Chad does have another androgynous beauty in mind who would be great for the role.
Sixteen will get you twenty that it's Clay Aiken whose phone will be ringing off the hook with an offer he can't refuse.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
