You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Tom Cruise Alert: Today United Artists, Tomorrow the United States
Nov 3, 2006, 09:54
LOS ANGELES - Be afraid, ye sons and daughters of Xenu. Be fearful of your fate, ye glib commentators and disciples of false prophets. Bow down, ye prescription drug addicts and practitioners of psychiatry.
Tom Cruise has sucked the brains out of United Artists' corporate leaders, who have turned control of the once proud studio over to him. Scientology's secret plan for world domination is about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting nation.
Soon extraterrestrial lights will glow in the night around Mr. Cruise' recently purchased hilltop, and babies throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area will refuse to suckle at their mothers' breasts. John Travolta and Priscilla Presley will star in a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still for which Beck will write a hip-hop score. Advertisements for asexual reproduction and silent birth will precede all showings of this film—and all other United Artists releases. Eventually E-meters will supplant blood pressure monitors in supermarkets and drug store chains.
Don't be fooled, Earthlings, because taking over United Artists is a score on the order of conquering Grenada. What if foreign interests had conquered Grenada? We'd have an alien power under our saddle; and guess what, gummy bears, we do: the Sovereign Republic of Scientology. These people are angry. They have access to a treasury's worth of cash, and they mean business.
"We are eagerly looking forward to the time when people who make fun of us—and the loved ones of people who make fun of us—will get what they deserve," said Scientologist Kirstie Alley with a menacing smile.
"Do you think this jumpsuit makes my ass look big?" she demanded angrily. "I don't want anything getting in the way of my comeback."
Although word of Mr. Cruise' bloodless coup at United Artists took Hollywood by surprise, Merrill Lynch movie industry analyst Ty Clarke said, "We should have seen this coming.
"Tom's sack-cloth-and-ashes apology to Brooke Shields was a front. I understand he was physically sick for three days afterward. Tom knows how to play only one way, his way; and as far as he's concerned, being the head of a motion picture studio means never having to say you're sorry any more."
In other news, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $10-million lawsuit against conjoined twins Reba and Lori Schappell of Reading, Pennsylvania. The sisters are accused of illegally downloading more than five thousand songs.
Lori Schappell vehemently denies any wrongdoing, claiming that her sister, Reba, is the guilty party.
"Reba downloaded the music because it's too hard for us to get to Best Buy."
"That's no excuse," said an RIAA lawyer, "we'll bring this case to trial if necessary; and when we prevail, we'll demand that the twins be separated so that Reba can serve her time in jail."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
