You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Eagles Coach Andy Reid Suspends Sons
Nov 3, 2007, 17:04
"No, you dumb ass, I'm Britt."
PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid announced this morning that he was suspending his sons Garrett and Britt.
In what he referred to as "a mute point anyway now that the bastards have gone and gotten themselves incarcerated," Coach Reid announced that neither Garrett Reid, 24, nor Britt Reid, 22, will be eligible to participate in Wing Bowl XVII, which is scheduled to be held in February 2008 at Philadelphia's Wachovia Center.
Garrett Reid, a promising Buffalo Wings eater, was suspended for violating the Reid family's heroin-abuse as well as its no-smuggling-drugs-into-prison-by-hiding-them-up-your-ass policies. His brother Britt, who mostly played on special teams for the Reids' Munchin' Mormons wing-eating squad, was suspended for violating the family's road-rage and being-totally-too-thin policies. Britt has shrunk to 185 pounds, making him the thinnest person in the Reid family.
"The boys know the rules," said a more taciturn than usual Coach Reid. "I've told them before that heroin and wing training don't mix. Neither does road rage and wing training."
According to police, Garrett Reid confessed to being high on heroin when he charged through a red light at an excessive rate of speed early this year, totaling a woman's car in Plymouth Township, near Philadelphia.
Officials in West Conshohocken, also near Philadelphia, said that Britt Reid got into a heated argument with another driver that same day. The dispute, which police said was about one of the drivers being in the wrong lane, ended when Mr. Reid allegedly pointed a platinum-colored handgun at the other driver, smiled menacingly, and then sped off. The other driver managed to write down Mr. Reid's license-plate number and call the police.
A police search of the Reid family home and training center netted a Remington shotgun, a handful of pills, eight plastic baggies with a white residue inside, a bottle filled with a green, leafy substance, ammunition, and more than a hundred pirated hip-hop CDs.
Sources close to the Reid family suggested that the pressure of representing the clan in the Wing Bowl was too much for the Reid boys to handle. As usual, however, Coach Reid put the blame for his sons' behavior squarely on his massive round shoulders.
"As head coach of this family I should have put my boys' heads in a position where they would have been able to succeed. Instead, they acted like their heads were up their butts. That's something I'll work on with my three other children in the future."
Las Vegas odds makers had listed the Reid family's Munchin' Mormons as a 10-1 shot to win next year's Wing Bowl. Three years ago, in the family's first trip to the bowl, Coach Reid's adopted son, Donovan McNabb, threw up late in the fourth quarter, costing the team a potential come-from-behind victory.
In other Philadelphia suburban news, Delaware Senator Joe Biden apologized to fellow presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton for saying that she "looked as if she douched with Janitor in a Drum." The garrulous Delaware Senator said he only meant to compliment Ms. Clinton on her "sparkling personal appearance."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
