Eagles Coach Andy Reid Suspends Sons
Nov 3, 2007, 17:04
"No, you dumb ass, I'm Britt."
PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid announced this morning that he was suspending his sons Garrett and Britt.
In what he referred to as "a mute point anyway now that the bastards have gone and gotten themselves incarcerated," Coach Reid announced that neither Garrett Reid, 24, nor Britt Reid, 22, will be eligible to participate in Wing Bowl XVII, which is scheduled to be held in February 2008 at Philadelphia's Wachovia Center.
Garrett Reid, a promising Buffalo Wings eater, was suspended for violating the Reid family's heroin-abuse as well as its no-smuggling-drugs-into-prison-by-hiding-them- up-your-ass policies. His brother Britt, who mostly played on special teams for the Reids' Munchin' Mormons wing-eating squad, was suspended for violating the family's road-rage and being-totally-too-thin policies. Britt has shrunk to 185 pounds, making him the thinnest person in the Reid family.
"The boys know the rules," said a more taciturn than usual Coach Reid. "I've told them before that heroin and wing training don't mix. Neither does road rage and wing training."
According to police, Garrett Reid confessed to being high on heroin when he charged through a red light at an excessive rate of speed early this year, totaling a woman's car in Plymouth Township, near Philadelphia.
Officials in West Conshohocken, also near Philadelphia, said that Britt Reid got into a heated argument with another driver that same day. The dispute, which police said was about one of the drivers being in the wrong lane, ended when Mr. Reid allegedly pointed a platinum-colored handgun at the other driver, smiled menacingly, and then sped off. The other driver managed to write down Mr. Reid's license-plate number and call the police.
A police search of the Reid family home and training center netted a Remington shotgun, a handful of pills, eight plastic baggies with a white residue inside, a bottle filled with a green, leafy substance, ammunition, and more than a hundred pirated hip-hop CDs.
Sources close to the Reid family suggested that the pressure of representing the clan in the Wing Bowl was too much for the Reid boys to handle. As usual, however, Coach Reid put the blame for his sons' behavior squarely on his massive round shoulders.
"As head coach of this family I should have put my boys' heads in a position where they would have been able to succeed. Instead, they acted like their heads were up their butts. That's something I'll work on with my three other children in the future."
Las Vegas odds makers had listed the Reid family's Munchin' Mormons as a 10-1 shot to win next year's Wing Bowl. Three years ago, in the family's first trip to the bowl, Coach Reid's adopted son, Donovan McNabb, threw up late in the fourth quarter, costing the team a potential come-from-behind victory.
In other Philadelphia suburban news, Delaware Senator Joe Biden apologized to fellow presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton for saying that she "looked as if she douched with Janitor in a Drum." The garrulous Delaware Senator said he only meant to compliment Ms. Clinton on her "sparkling personal appearance."
