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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Neil Patrick Harris Says Doogie Howser Was Gay, Too Nov 4, 2006 - 12:46
NEW YORK - Neil Patrick Harris let both Bruno Maglis drop in a recent interview with People magazine. The boyish-looking thirty-three-year-old actor revealed not only that he is gay but also that Doogie Howser, M.D., the kid-genius he played in the television series of the same name, was gay.
"Doogie and I realized our sexual preferences were evolving at about the same time," said Mr. Harris. "That would have been when Doogie lost his virginity to his girlfriend, Wanda, in the first episode of season 3 (September 25, 1991).
When Doogie 'wrote' in his journal at the end of that episode, what he actually said was, 'The entire time I was with Wanda, I couldn't stop thinking about Vinnie (Delpino, Doogie's best friend and eventual roommate in the series). I kept seeing Vinnie's lips and Vinnie's ass. That's why I insisted on doing it doggie style with Wanda the second time—so I could pretend she was Vinnie."
That journal entry was revised by the show's editorial content advisory board, Mr. Harris told People; but throughout the last two seasons of Doogie Howser, M.D., Mr. Harris fought with the show's creator, Stephen Bochco, to let Doogie explore his sexuality in a realistic fashion. Mr. Bocho wouldn't hear of it, choosing instead to pull the plug on the show in 1993 after only four seasons.
"Stephen kept hooking Doogie up with one beard after another—a model who couldn't keep her clothes on, a deaf girl with a positive attitude, his mom's boss, a couple of nurses, even his old babysitter. At the end of every show where Doogie was 'involved' with a woman, I'd have him write outrageously gay things in his journal, but they were always censored."
Mr. Harris' twin revelations to People came just two days after his publicist had issued a statement saying the actor is "not of that persuasion." That denial was hardly convincing said Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight, who recently admitted to being gay.
"All my gay friends and I just knew Doogie was a friend of Dorothy's," laughed Mr. Knight, 33. "That show was so camp, honey, and the 'love' scenes! What a hoot. It was obvious that Doogie would have much preferred grabbing Vinnie's crotch than those bimbos' he was dating. And did you notice how Doogie had a habit of dangling one sneaker all the time? That's like code for totally gay foot fetish."
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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