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President Bush Asked Angelina Jolie to Attend Saddam Hussein Hanging
Dec 30, 2006, 09:08
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hoping to maximize the public relations bounce from the news of Saddam Hussein's hanging, President Bush had planned to ask Angelina Jolie to attend the execution of the deposed Iraqi dictator as the official representative of the United States.
Unfortunately the president's top military advisors failed to calculate the time difference between India and Iraq correctly, and by the time Ms. Jolie had been located preparing to distribute New Year's Eve meals at an orphanage in Calcutta, Mr. Hussein had breathed his last.
Senator Elizabeth Dole (R-N.C.) broke the news of the president's game decision on Larry King Live last night.
"The president realizes the need to reach out to stable members of the entertainment community," said Senator Dole. "He may look like a lame duck president, but he has not forgotten his campaign promise to be the president of all celebrities, not just country music stars. Besides, Ms. Jolie's work with refugees and her personal involvement with genuine Third World orphans more than qualify her to represent the United States at this historic event."
Mr. King asked Senator Dole if her use of "genuine Third World orphans" could be interpreted as a slap at Madonna, who adopted a para-orphan from Malawi this year. Madonna has been on the White House radar since she took to dropping F-bombs on the president at her concerts.
Senator Dole merely smiled at Mr. King's question and returned to her message.
"The president feels that now that Ms. Jolie has been threatened by al-Qa'ida, she ought to be more sensitive to the worldwide terrorist threat. Furthermore, because her private security detail is the equal of any special forces unit in the world, the United States would not have had to have been totally responsible for her safety while she was Iraq."
Senator Dole also revealed that Mr. Bush had hoped to move Mr. Hussein's execution to this country, where he wanted it to be held during halftime of Super Bowl XLI in Miami on February 4.
"The president has never been happy with the use of halftime at the Super Bowl to resuscitate the careers of fading UK entertainers such as Paul McCartney, U2, and the Rolling Stones," said Senator Dole. "He believes the people want more red meat entertainment."
In related news, Them Weekly is reporting that Saddam Hussein suffered from Zoolander's Complex. Click here to read.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
