You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Boy George Accused of Foolish Imprisonment
Nov 13, 2007, 13:25
LONDON - Pop swinger Boy George was charged with foolish imprisonment, careless whispers, and reckless misapplication of foodstuffs today. The legal action was brought as a result of a complaint lodged against Mr. George by a midget from The Long and Short of It, a male escort service popular with London hipsters and members of the royal family.
The twenty-eight-year-old, four-foot-tall midget escort—known to his clients as Thomas the Tank Engine—told police he had been treated "like a stinking rent boy" after responding to a call from Mr. George's flat in the trendy Shoreditch area of east London on April 28.
As a consequence of Mr. Engine's complaints, the forty-seven-year-old former Culture Club frontman was arrested in May. Mr. George, whose real name is George St. George, is scheduled to appear before magistrates in east London on November 22, the forty-fourth anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy.
According to Mr. Engine's statement, he had been to Mr. George's flat several times before that "unfortunate" night in April.
"Even though his requests were a bit off the wall, literally," said Mr. Engine, "he was more funny than frightening, apart from the fact that he's a lousy tipper; but that night was different.
"As soon as I got there, George said he had something fabulous to show me. He was always saying that, so I followed him into the game room figuring he was going to 'preview' another one of those crotchless jumpers he's always 'designing.' I nearly shit when I saw the antique gynecological examination table with the polished brass stirrups."
The little engine who shouldn't have.
Although Mr. Engine admits he willingly took off his clothes and got on the table, the joke turned serious when Mr. George locked Mr. Engine's feet in the stirrups, handcuffed him to a wall, and began shaving his man region.
"After half an hour or so I asked George to uncuff me," said Mr. Engine, "but he just started singing 'Do You Really Want to Hurt Me'? Then he left the room and returned with several eggplants that had been carved into dildoes with celebrities' faces on them.
"After I had gotten to know George Michael more intimately than I ever thought I would—short of being rear ended by one of his SUVs—I asked George once again to let me go."
Six hours later an aching and partially dehydrated Mr. Engine was finally released by Mr. George. Disheveled and disoriented, Mr. Engine went to the nearest police station, where he lodged a formal complaint against his captor. He later amended the complaint to include a charge that the toilets and bidets in Mr. George's flat are not easily accessible to a person of "modest stature."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
